The Message of Easter

When I started this piece, it had a different name.  It was called "Reaching for Hope" and it didn't look like it looks now.  The crushing Despair was there.  The light and fluffy Hope was there just out of reach. But that was it.  Just crushing Despair and Hope just out of reach.   When I started this piece, that's how I felt.  All I could feel was the crushing weight of Despair - despair from not getting answers in the hospital, despair from looking to the future and not being able to see anything except life with seizures.  I knew Hope was out there, but I couldn't find a way to reach it.
As I painted I realized I had to paint a bridge between Despair and Hope.  I thought of painting a rope.  I thought of a ladder.  I thought of a staircase. I thought of lots of things.  But then...I realized the only bridge between Despair and Hope was the cross.  The Cross meets us in our Despair and brings us to Hope.  We can't reach Hope on our own.  The only bridge between Despair and Hope is the cross. And that's what Easter is all about.  It's about Jesus being the bridge for us between Despair and Hope.  About giving us a way to get to Hope.  Here's the piece:

And that is the message of Easter, of the Cross as our bridge between Despair and Hope.

The Color of Hope

After making The Color of Despair I had to make the color Hope.  Hope is a light color.  It doesn't weigh near as much as Despair.  Hope can be many different colors, depending on the type of Hope.  Sometimes Hope is like cotton candy.  Other times Hope is like fluffy clouds in a blue sky.  Today I picked the kind of Hope that is like fresh life in the spring.  This kind of Hope, like many kinds of Hope, is soft and fuzzy as well as light and fluffy.  Here's what making Hope looks like in my eyes:

Hope was fun to make because the colors I was using had very different textures. 

In my head this almost looks like Frog from the Toad and Frog books I used to read when I was real little, especially if you rotate it 90 degrees up. 

The Color of Despair

I took some "me" time earlier today and started working on a new painting.  One of my favorite parts of painting (other than getting all dirty) is mixing my paints.  I mix most of my own colors, so that I know I have the colors that will look right to my colorblind vision.  Sometimes I have more fun mixing my colors than I actually do making the painting. I like the designs that my toothpicks make on my palette.  I wish sometimes that I could make the designs on paper like I can make in my palette.
Today I had to make the perfect color for Despair. Despair is a dark color, but not black.  Black is Hopelessness.  Despair is not Hopelessness.  Despair is when you feel like the darkness is overcoming the light.  It is a heavy color.  It crushes you.  It is a hungry color. It consumes you.   Despair is like the sky when you want to have a picnic and there are thunderstorms instead and it washes away your favorite picnic location.  Despair is when Hope starts to fade, but there is still a little bit there.  Despair is place where Hope is just out of reach, but you know it's there.  You can see Hope, you just can't reach Hope. Here is how I made Despair:

Click to Enlarge

Sometimes I Paint...

Sometimes I paint because I'm happy.
Sometimes I paint because I want to paint pictures to go with a Bible story.
Sometimes I paint because I'm sad.
Sometimes I paint because a church service has really touched me and I see an image in my head.
Sometimes I paint because I really want to finger paint.
Sometimes I paint because I want to make a picture of a song.
Sometimes I paint because I'm hurting.
Sometimes I paint because I don't want to do my homework.
Sometimes I paint because I'm angry.
Sometimes I paint because a picture expresses more than my words can.
Sometimes I paint because it's fun to do with friends.
Sometimes I paint because I'm trying to memorize a Bible verse.
Sometimes I paint because I'm scared.
and sometimes, I paint just because I need to paint:

Beauty from Brokenness

Sometimes in life we build ourselves castles.  Not castles of stones, but castles of comfort and castles of familiarity.  We find our security in something that we know.  They are fine castles, strong and tall.

But then something happens and our castles begin to crumble.  It's maybe not fast, but it happens.  Whatever we had found our security in, is no longer secure enough.  Before you know it, all you have is a pile of rubble. And it hurts.

It's easy to give in to despair, to think that all is lost.  But then something starts to happen. 

Something begins to form out of the rubble.  It's hard to say for sure at first what it is.  It doesn't look like what you had before.

But it is a thing of beauty.  

Beauty has come from Brokenness

I can't claim to know how it happens, I just know it does.  Again and again G-d brings beauty out of brokenness.  Grace is a wonderful thing.  Time and time again I build myself a castle of security, only to have it crumble just as many times, and to have G-d give me something even more beautiful.

Would we really know beauty if we did not know brokenness?  

I watched a short video clip today of a precious little boy crawling.  It filled my heart with joy. It would have been nothing spectacular, just a little boy crawling, except that doctors had told the parents of this little boy that it was physically impossible for him to crawl.  The beauty in that video was so much greater for the brokenness.

Being broken hurts, but I want to trust that G-d will, through His grace, bring something of beauty from it. 

New Room

The view of my room from the doorway

My painting wall and the craft-supply corner being hid by a curtain

"I will lie down and sleep in peace for you alone o LORD make me dwell in safety" Ps. 4:8

I need to find some artwork for this wall yet.  Right now I have a picture from a darling little girl I love a lot.

Books, books, and more books.  There's more in the closet and the other half the cupboard.

Awesome care package from an awesome friend.  The button says: seemed like a good idea at the time

The shirt (for those who don't read ASL fingerspelling) says "Iowa" and is very appropriately in black and gold. 

What we have

I've been staring at this painting for the last 7 hours (3 more to go).  It's hanging on the wall across from where I'm sitting at the Maple and Moose. The quote on it has been running through my mind all day and it's really got me thinking about how true it is.  How often I forget to count the blessings I have, the joys that are here, in favor of pining over what I no longer have.
It reminds me of something a wise friend told me once.  I was in the library working (shelving reference actually) and he was there working on a paper.  It was a beautiful day and he told me he would rather be out playing ultimate frisbee with the others, but he had to get his paper done.  I told him I admired his dedication. He told me he did it by trying to remain fully in the present, to be fully present in whatever he did and wherever he was at the time and to no dwell on what he doesn't have right then or isn't doing right then.  Of course, he said it a lot more eloquently than that.  It's stuck with me since that day, which is impressive considering how good I am at forgetting things.   I've thought about that concept a lot this summer, about being fully present and focused on where and when I am.  Often I'll start longing to be back at Central, or to already be at Western, or to be doing anything other than what I am doing and when I get in that place I start missing out on the joys of the present.  When I focus on what I don't currently have, whether something in the past, or something yet to come, I can't enjoy the present.  I can't enjoy pushing an adorable 4 year old on the swing if I'm wishing I was walking in the park with a friend from Central.  I can't enjoy reading a Dr. Seuss book to a highly distractable 2 year old if I'm wishing I was having Tea and Tales at ten on Tuesday in 239.   I can't fully enjoy a sermon or learn from it, if  I'm wishing I was at the Calm listening to Joe B preach.
I think we often miss a lot of the beauty and joy of the present because we are so focused on either the past or the future.  I know I do.
I seldom think of the joys I have now, but always think of those that I miss...something is wrong with that.

Love is...

Love.  We all want it.  We all have different ideas about what it is and what it looks like, but most everyone agrees that it is a good thing. Love has been a topic that has come up a number of times the last few day...in conversations with friends and family, in reading, in the sermon at church... When something comes up like that again and again I start to think about it, and when I start to think about it, I start to write about it, and then you get to read about it. 

As humans, we kind of fail at love.  I fail at love. We say that we love someone, and then we don't show it.  We tell ourselves that we love someone, but we never tell them.   I have had a number of relationships in the past with people who have said that they loved me, but that love was always contingent upon what I could do for them.  Once I was no longer useful to them, they dropped me like a hot potato and I was left to try and put the pieces of my heart back together.

I learned that love was something I had to earn and I could "un-earn" it much easier than I earned it. I craved love and spent lots of time trying to earn it.  My head knew that there were people who loved me, but either my heart didn't believe it or I couldn't accept it because of my past experiences with people who said they loved me.

This causes/caused problems when it comes to understanding G-d's love.  G-d's love is something that you can't earn and you can't "un-earn" it either. Joe B, the chaplain at Central, often told us "There is nothing you can do to make G-d love you more and nothing you can do to make G-d love you less".  It's easy to say, but harder to believe, especially when you try to understand G-d's love by superimposing our concept of human love on it. It just doesn't work that way.  G-d's love is so much greater, so much beyond our understanding.  He loves us so much that he sent his only son, Jesus, to take our place on the cross, while we were yet sinners...His love is so amazing that we can't even begin to love without Him first loving us. We might try, but we'll never really get it. We can't.  We have to be filled up with love before we can give it away.

One of my favorite songs has a line "Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy". I think the real name of the song is "How He loves", but my friends and I call it the Hurricane song, because of this line.   I've never experienced a hurricane in real life (we don't get many in these parts), but I've seen pictures.  I've seen the pictures of trees bent over to the point where their tops are touching the ground. Trees are usually pretty solid entities. I couldn't bend a tree, no matter how hard I tried.  But the hurricane is stronger.  It bends the tree as if it were nothing.  The tree is subject to the will of the hurricane, whether it wants to be or not.  Likewise, whether we want to be loved by G-d or not, he is going to love us. His love is so much more powerful than anything else we can even imagine.

As I sat with this image, of a hurricane bending a tree, earlier this week, I became bothered by something.  Sometimes, the hurricane breaks the trees.  It took me awhile to wrap my head around this.  It could be that the hurricane breaks the trees because they refuse to bend, they refuse to acknowledge the power of the hurricane.  Maybe, G-d lets us be broken because we refuse to acknowledge the power of his love.   I love my brothers and sisters.  I love my friends.  My love is powerful (but nothing like G-d's love...that is like super super super powerful), and because I love them, I have to let them make their own choices.  Sometimes that means they get hurt.  Sometimes it means they get angry with me.  I think G-d does the same thing.  Because he loves us so much, he lets us make our own choices.  Sometimes that means we get hurt.  Sometimes it means we get angry with Him.  But, because of his great and powerful love, he is always there, waiting for us to come back to him, waiting for us to let him pick up the pieces and put us back together.  Sometimes we bend, sometimes we break, but G-d never changes and his love will always be there, no matter what.

I could talk about G-d's love for a long time because there is a lot more I could say about it, but that would make this post even longer than it already is, so I'll stop now and leave you with this image:

"Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree"

Double your Joy

(from facebook, click "view original post" to read the whole post and see the pictures)

Just a quick note before I get to the "meat" of this post...I'm typing this with my computer screen enlarged to 150%.  My vision has become increasingly blurred over the last week or so and we aren't quite sure why yet.  So if you are the praying type, prayers would be appreciated.  We are hoping it's just a change in my eye glass prescription.

On to the good stuff...

Sometimes in college life gets really busy.  Especially if you are a senior and have a huge research project and stuff.  Sometimes you have to be in two or three places at the same time.  And you really ought to go to all the places.  Mostly because you are a senior and they are dinners in honor of the seniors.  But you haven't been in college for four years for nothing so you get really creative...

First you find a big piece of paper and a friend:

You lay really still and let your friend trace all around you.  Sometimes it's really awkward if your friend's roommate's parents come and you are laying really still and can't get up and greet them properly.  Ooooppppssss. Then you spread out in the hallway (because your room is too full of books and other important stuff...or just plain too messy) and pick out the clothes your double is going to wear and start painting them:

Add a watch so that your double will always know what time it is and be on time for all the important functions you need to be at:

(The watch says "N:OW"...sorry the pic isn't very clear)

Next, add some important jewelery:

(medic alert, kayak bracelet, trip bracelet)

Realize that you would fail if you tried to draw your own face so find a friend to come do your face and hair:

(Go Ami!  You're doing a great job!)

(Face and hair all done)

Realize that if you are going to a dinner, you really need something on your feet, so add some socks:

Cut yourself out and hand yourself on the wall to finish drying overnight:

(It is a little disconcerting to wake up in the morning and see yourself hanging on the wall)

Finally, deliver yourself to the people who will take your double to the event that you can't go to because you are at a different event:

(Yeah Mary!)

Now, if I could just get my double to do my homework and take my finals for me it would be even more wonderful. For now, I'll just let her attend senior dinners for me.

Luke 8:22-25, with paintings

A couple weeks ago I was at a bi-monthly gathering called Encounter: I Am.  Encounter: I Am is basically a bunch of people from a bunch of different denominations and places in life hanging out corporately with Jesus. I've gone a number of times since last semester and it's pretty neat.  Anyhow, as part of the evening we spend some time reflecting in depth on scripture.  The text that week was from Luke 8:22-25.  (Story Time!)
Jesus and his disciples were in a boat crossing the sea.  Jesus was pretty tired after a long day of preaching and caring for people so he laid down to take a nap.  A bunch of his disciples were ex-fishermen, so he was in good hands. However, while Jesus was napping a storm happened.  His disciples freaked out.  Big time freak out. Not only did none of them know how to swim, they were out in the  middle of a lake.  Their belief system had taught them that the kindgom of darkness resided at the bottom of still bodies of water such as lakes.  Not only were they likely to drown, they were going to drown right into the kindgom of darkness.  Not cool.  However, they had been walking with Jesus for awhile and had figured out that he was a pretty cool guy and could do stuff.  So they woke him up.  Now Jesus is awake and the disciples are freaking out. "Jesus!  We're going to drown!  Do you care?  How can you stay asleep?"  (There were 12 disciples...so probably all 12 of them were talking all at once)  Jesus looks at them and I can just imagine the look in his eyes as he says "Where is your faith?"  Then, being the cool guy that he is, he raises his arms and tells the wind and the waves to be quiet.  Bam!  The storm is over.  We don't read it in Luke, but in one of the other Gospels the words that Jesus says are the same words that he uses when he casts out demons.  I imagine the disciples just looking at each other in awe and wonder...even the wind and the waves obey him....
Anyhow, we spent a lot of time with this passage and asked G-d to show us where we were in the story.  While we were thinking deeply about the story and praying through it, I grabbed an index card from my bag and made a couple sketches, sketches of what the story meant for me.  I sat on them for about a week.  Then I decided to put them to paint.  Here's the results:

(The green on the right says: Lean not on your own understanding; Depend not on your own strength.)

Sometimes life throws us curveballs.  Sometimes there are storms and we are afraid we are going to drown.  Sometimes I don't know how much longer I can keep my head above the water. Sometimes, like the disciples I cry out to Jesus and ask him if he really cares about me, if he cares that I am drowning.  Then I can feel him looking at me and asking me where my faith is and reminding me that I don't need to depend on my own strength.  Then in a display of his power:

Not in my power, not because I want the storm to end, but because Jesus commands the storm to end.  His power ends it all. And in his power I can rest:

(from left to right the text reads:  Rest in ME. I have this all under control.,  My hand is holding you., I will fight for you.,  You are MY girl worth fighting for., I will never let you go.)

No matter what happens, my Jesus is strong enough to end the storm and I can rest in His arms. There might be clouds in the sky, life might get rough, but I don't need to be afraid.  Not ever.  He's got me and I am His girl worth fighting for.

How to Write a Paper (in 45 simple steps)

Remember, if you are viewing this post through facebook notes you need to click "view original post" in order to see the entire note...


As a college student I often have to write papers.  I have a feeling most college students find themselves in this place frequently.  So a little "how-to"....
1. Put on your painting clothes.  Paper writing could get messy.
2. Turn on some fun tunes.
3. Open a word processor and type a title.
4. Make a sketch of your next painted masterpiece.
5.  Have a snack.  Paper writing is hungry work.
6. Write a few sentences.
7. Gaze longingly out the window at the beautiful weather.
8. Go on facebook and update your status.  Something about how awful it is that you have to write this paper.
9. Erase what you've written and start again.
10. Work on your painting.
11. Go on facebook and check your groups.  Someone may have posted an important question.
12. Type a few sentences.
13.  Have a snack.
14.  Go upstairs and give your friends hugs.  After all, it takes 4 hugs a day just to survive...
15.  Rewrite your title.  After all, the title is the most important part of the paper (Especially if Joe B. is your prof)
16.  Go on YouTube and check out the video that everyone was talking about in class.
17. Get inspired and type a whole paragraph.
18.  Realize that your paint has dried enough that you can do the next step. Paint some more.
19.  Go outside and chase a few squirrels, just for fun.
20.  Go to lunch for a couple hours.
21.  Panic over how little you've accomplished and type diligently for about 5 minutes.
22.  Go on facebook and read everyone's status updates.
23.  Facebook chat.
24. Do some more painting.
25. Type some more on your paper.
26. Grab a friend and go for a walk (or watch a movie, depending on the weather)
27.  Nap time. Paper writing is exhausting!
28.  Go on facebook and look at everyone's photos from last weekend.
29. Type a few more sentences.
30. Read children's books to your friends.  They needed a study break.
31. Check all your friends' blogs.  You might miss something important if you don't.
32. Decide to make a blog post of your own.
33.  Go to supper.  Spend a couple hours there.
34. Resolve to work on your paper and nothing else until it is done.
35. Watch the sunset and take pictures.
36.  Post the pictures on facebook.
37. Realize your paper is due in the morning and you have wasted the entire day.  Panic, close facebook and all forms of IM.
38.  Eat a snack.
39. Get bored with your paper and go on facebook to see who else is still up working on papers.
40. Do some detail work on your painting. (you need a study break every once in awhile)
41. Finish your paper, go to the lab to print it, realize the printer is out of paper, decide to print it in the morning and go to bed.
42. Stumble into class with your freshly printed paper and eyes half open.
43. Turn in paper.
44. Vow never to procrastinate on a paper again.
45. Repeat.

Paint goes on Paper not People

About once a month the bell choir plays in church.  Since I am in the bell choir I have to be at the 9am service to play.  Since I am a college student, I typically stay for second service too before going to lunch.  So, about once a month I get to hear the same sermon twice in one Sunday.  This is not neccessarily a bad thing, because it means the second time around I can listen differently and reflect more.  Both very good things. 
Yesterday's sermon text came from Colossians 2:13-15 which, in the NIV reads: When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross.
Pastor Jon talked about a lot of things, but what I focussed in on was verse 14: "having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross."  I liked verse 15 too, but verse 14 stuck in my brain.  Pastor Jon talked about the written code and explained that it was a very technical term. 
In New Testament times, when Paul was writing this letter, if you needed to borrow money, you went to the equivalent of a loan shark and told them how much you needed to borrow.  The money lender then had you sit down and write out, in your own hand writing how much money you were borrowing, when you were going to pay it back, and what was going to happen if you didn't pay it back.  That way, when you failed to pay back your loan, he could take you before the judge and show the judge the agreement in your hand writing...there was no getting out of it.
With that understanding we looked at the passage again.  Pastor Jon said that satan had a type of written agreement against each of us.  A list of our sins and short comings and he uses that written agreement to condemn us.  After all, it is in our own handwriting.  However, Jesus wrestled that agreement away from satan and it was nailed to the cross with Jesus.  He took our condemnation upon himself.
The first time heard the sermon I just sat in that truth (and made faces at the super cute baby sitting behind me).  The second time I was already dwelling on that truth when Pastor Jon got to it. While he was talking a line from a song popped into my head (as lines from songs are prone to do when I am being comptemplative) along with an image.  So I grabbed a note card and made a sketch. 
I spent rest the afternoon painting instead of doing my homework.  I think painting was clearly a better choice.  Now while I was painting, the hockey game was also going on so I was following it, and I got a phone call so I was also talking on the phone, and I was listening to music...so, remembering the rule that paint goes on paper not people got a little tricky.  I ended up with large amounts of orange paint in my hair, and lots of other colors on my arms and hands, but it happens.  Here's the results of yesterday's comptemplation:

Christ took my "written code" and nailed it to the cross.  I bear it no more.  But he didn't just take my written code, he took everyone's written code...they are all on the cross and we bear them no more.  I know of no better news.

Sunday Morning

I woke up early this morning.  Not super early, but early enough that I had a couple hours before church.  My first thoughts were: I can get up, get dressed, listen to music and work on my paper or journal (which really are pretty close to the same thing).  These thoughts were followed almost immediately by: OR I could put on my paint clothes and work on the painting I sketched out in my head last night.
Painting won. And then I made a poorer choice...I decided to try and eat breakfast while I painted.  Note to self:  Eating finger food (dry cereal) with your fingers, while painting, is a bad idea.  It's a good thing my paints are non-toxic. 
At quarter to church I realized that I was still in my paint clothes, still hadn't combed my hair and in general was not ready for church. Anybody who has seen my paint clothes knows that going to church in them is a bad idea.  So I took a quick snapshot of my work, washed out my brushes and got into Sunday clothes.  It's a good thing church is just across the street and my Sunday shirt has long sleeves so it hid the paint on my arms.
Here's a peek at what I had done before church:

After church and lunch were done I came back to my room with the intention of working on my paper before going upstairs for a stats party.  It didn't happen.  Here's what did happen:

This painting can best be understood with words of the Phil Wickham song "You're Beautiful" since that is where I got my inspiration.  Click here for a link to the lyrics of the song or click here to go to a YouTube video of the song if you'd rather hear it while reading the words (I did not make this video).
I have really liked this song ever since we first sang it at worship and last night I got the desire to paint it.  So I did. 
Have a blessed Sunday!