Retreat, part 6: A Deeper Look

Spiritual retreats like the one I participated in last week provide an ideal time for growth.  The environment of a retreat setting is very fertile.  It is possible to "unplug" from the daily grind and focus in on areas you want to grow in.  Without e-mails to check or phone calls to answer or meals to cook or homework to do, you can devote all you attention towards G-d and spiritual disciplines.  After one particularly fruitful morning in the large chapel in the Mother house, I wrote this in my journal (one advantage of typing my journal is I can copy-paste when there are things I want to share) :

"If I were not reformed, I think I would  like to be a nun.  I just spent close to an hour in the big chapel, praying through part of psalm 19. [The link wasn't in my journal...I wrote out the section, but I wanted to save space here] It was so peaceful, so calm, so centering, just to go through that over and over again as I sat on my knees, my hands resting on the pew in front of me.  G-d is good, so very very good.  I feel like I could feast on His word all day.  I can't get enough. I just spent an hour with it, with one small paragraph, part of a Psalm, and yet I hunger for more.  The hunger in my heart for more of his word is as great as the hunger in my stomach for lunch.  I feel like a beggar who has stumbled on a feast, a feast she has known about the entire time but neglected to really enjoy, to really consume.  Now that I have sat at the table, I never want to leave it.  I don't want to go back to the lazy life of seminary, where I go to class and eat my meals and talk with my friends, but forget to really feast on the Word.  I grab a snack every now and then, even daily at time, but it is nothing compared to the feast that I had this morning."

When I wrote that I really meant it (okay, maybe not the part about being a nun...I want to get married and have children too badly for that to be a realistic possibility).  But I really meant it about feasting on the Word, about not wanting to go back to the "lazy life of seminary".  I sat to write this post today, I looked back over this last section of the week.  We got home from the retreat on Friday.  It's Wednesday.  My brain says that means I've been home for 5 or so days (it's been a long one). Saturday was a good day.  I started off with some good time in the Word.  Sunday was decent.  I got to worship with the body. Monday? yeah, not so much.  Tuesday? well, I did go to chapel.  Today? I taught Kingdom Kids the Christmas story, that must count for something...
Somewhere, between the retreat and real life, I lost my follow through.  It's harder to thrive, to really grow in the real world.  It was easy to commit to making time in the Word a bigger priority while I was at the retreat.  It was easier to practice spiritual disciplines while hanging out with a bunch of like-minded people at a convent.  It actually reminds me of a song (it's been awhile since I've put music up here). The song is by Casting Crowns and called "The Altar and the Door".   One line of the chorus goes "I try but this time, Jesus, how can I be sure I will not lose my follow through, between the altar and the door".  Full lyrics are here and this is YouTube video for those of you who would rather listen (it is captioned).
It's one of the reasons community is important.  The Church (as in the body of Christ, not the building where one worships) is what supports you and keeps you going between times. It's what holds you up when you don't have enough resolve to follow through on your own.  It's what calls you out when you start to slip back into old habits.
For me, that was one of the highlights of the retreat - getting to build new relationships and strengthen existing relationships. It meant some tough conversations, lots of stories, lots of laughs and even some tears.  But that is all part of a community that isn't going anywhere. A community that is going to be there through the highs and through the lows. 
And that my friends, concludes my immediate reflections on the spiritual disciplines retreat.

Retreat, part 5: Celebration

My group presented celebration as our spiritual discipline.  I'm not going to write much about it, let it suffice to say that celebration is pretty cool and I like it.  Our guided experience started with musical chairs (one of my favorite party games).  It was helped along by the fact that our music for the experience was "the Chicken Dance".  So we got musical chairs and chicken dancing all at the same time.  The photos aren't real great because I was standing where I could start and stop the music and trying to take pictures at the same time. We played three separate games concurrently to save time.  Then the winners had a face off.   Seminary students are some of the most competitive musical chair players I have ever seen!

Click to enlarge

After musical chairs we ate cake and then smashed a piñata.  Piñata photos are available here. After making the piñata a piece of history we headed to the onion room to celebrate each other and the greatest reason for celebration of all: Jesus Christ.  In our peer groups we took some time to affirm each other and celebrate growth, then we had the opportunity to serve each other communion.  We didn't have gluten free elements (which is my fault as much as anyone's, since my group planned the communion) so I didn't get to partake, but I still got to celebrate.  When my group was done I "snuck" some pictures of other groups finishing up.

click to enlarge

Conclusions: celebrate the little things.  embrace your inner child and play.  celebrate each other.  celebrate Christ.

Retreat, part 4: Service Day

The presentation on service was scheduled for Thursday.  Instead of a "normal" presentation followed by a guided experience, we started off with a guided experience in South Bend.  Our wonderful bus driver came and collected us and took us to South Bend.  When we arrived in SB we played a "game" to split our peer groups up.  We were supposed to make eye contact with a member of our peer group and then pick a number, either one or two.  My peer group was scattered throughout the bus, and one member of my group has a vision impairment, so we rather failed at this exercise.  Most of my group simply made decisions as to whether we were in group one or two. Amazingly we ended up dived as evenly as possible (2 and 3 is the best way to divide 5, since they frown on splitting seminary students in half).  Group one got off the bus.  We were at a place called Hope Ministries.
We arrived at Hope Ministries and were given a quick briefing on what Hope does. I really like their ministry.  Basically, people who have fallen on hard times for any reason can come live there.  They get an apartment that they can call their own. There are classes to teach them the necessary skill for getting and keeping a job, substance abuse programs, a day care for infants-preschool aged children and so much more.  They allow families to stay together (most shelter type places split families up).  People can stay there for up to two years.  Even after they have found work, they can stay for free, in order to build up a nest egg so they don't end up back in shelters as soon as they leave.  Then we got a tour of the shared spaces of the facility: classroom, library, meeting rooms and the nursery/day care. I've seen some shelter type children's centers before and this one just blew them all out of the water.  It wasn't fancy or anything, but what it did have was well put together.  For the older kids there were fine motor activities as well as a gross motor room.  There were tactile options,  vestibular stimulation items, all kinds of sensory-motor equipment, but all real simple.  The teachers (who were certified ECE's) spoke to us about the scheduling that they emphasize, noting that routine is so important to these children who have often experienced more trauma in the few short years they have been alive then most of us will ever experience.  I wanted to stay and play with them, but we moved on to the baby room.  Similar to the preschool room it was well equipped in a simple way.  I watched through the window as a teacher provided deep pressure biofeedback to a child (between ages 12-18 months I think) who appeared to have abnormal muscle tone. I watched another teacher feed a tiny infant who had oxygen tubing taped to his face (at first I thought it was a NG feed tube because it was so fine).  My heart wanted to stay with the children.  I asked our supervisor if we'd have time to play with the kids later on.  She said no.  I left, holding images of the children in my head and my heart.
After our tour we were told that 5 of us were needed to go to a partner organization to serve lunch at a soup kitchen type place.   I volunteered and we walked about 4 blocks to the soup kitchen.  After scrubbing and donning aprons, hair nets, and gloves we got to work.  My job was to scoop applesauce.  I'd taken the brace off my wrist so I get the gloves on.  While I was scooping it didn't hurt too bad, but it sure let me know the next day! Towards the end of serving, one of my group members starting feeling unwell (there had been a bit of a bug going around) so I was blessed to be able to care for her.  I was glad I had Pepto in my purse.  Praise His name that I was having a very easy withdrawal day! Both of us sick would not have been a good thing.
Once lunch was all cleaned up we walked back to Hope and had our lunches with rest the group and then they put us to work.  Our task was to put Christmas away.  Hope does a great job with Christmas.  There was Christmas everywhere!  We took down trees and set them up again in the enchanted Christmas Tree Forest in the basement.  We took ornaments off of trees and put them in boxes.  We took lights down and cursed them for being so tangled.  We washed windows.  I got distracted by a baby.
While we were taking down a tree someone came out of their apartment.  He talked with our supervisor and somehow I found out he had a baby who had been born very prematurely.  I asked if I could see.  I went into the apartment and there was the baby I had seen in the nursery that morning.  He was tiny...maybe the length from my finger tip to the crook of my elbow.  He had oxygen tubing attached to him and his breathing was labored.  I asked if I could hold him, and after untangling some tubing, I had an infant in my arms.  His name is Sage.  Pray for him. He is a fighter but he still has a long way to go. Before I got called out to continue with my group (who had finished the tree they were working on and were moving on) I was able to pray for Sage and bless him.
We spent the rest the afternoon doing trees.  Then, we went to a quiet spot to debrief.  We were just about ready to head over to join the other half our class when our supervisor asked us if we wanted to make "hope tiles".  In they foyer they have a wall display that says "HOPE".  I wished I'd taken a picture of it, but I didn't. The word is made up of little tiles that people have written "I have hope because..." and then shared their reason for hope.  We said we wanted to add to it, so we trucked back upstairs and made hope tiles.
Here is a sampling of our tiles:

Hope tiles made by our group. Click to enlarge.

When we were done with our Hope Tiles we headed over to the site where the other group was working.  They had spent the day at St. Margaret's House.  They spend their time deep cleaning the kitchen and sorting clothing items for a clothing sale/give away taking place the next day.  Their being there was a last minute arrangement (the original site cancelled at the last minute), but it was an answer to prayer for St. Margaret's.  G-d has a way of working everything out, just perfectly. 

After debriefing as a large group we headed to Bruno's for dinner.  Major accomplishment for the day: I managed to eat at an Italian pizza/pasta buffet without getting sick! I ate a lot of salad and some yummy potatoes fried with onion.

When we think of service we often think of blessing the people we are serving. I think it's important to realize that we are often just as blessed.  Sage's father might not know it, but he blessed me incredibly, just by letting me hold Sage. The lady who teased us (in a good way) while we took the tree down on her floor blessed me by putting a smile on my face.  My friend who got sick blessed me by letting me take care of her (instead of her taking care of me!).  Blessings come in many shapes and sizes.  We just have to keep our eyes open for them.

Retreat, part 3: Simplicity or How to Know an Onion

*This post got much longer than I planned on...I encourage you to read it though.  There's some good stuff (if I do say so myself) towards the end...stuff about what I learned rather than just what I did.*
The first discipline we cover at the retreat was simplicity.  I'll admit it had me curious. Before we left for the retreat we got an e-mail that said, and I quote "For our presentation on simplicity, we ask that you please bring a cutting board and a sharp knife.  If you have the ability to bring more than one of each that would be fantastic just in case anybody is not able to bring one."
With a set up like that, who could not be curious?  It was quite a sight to see all 30ish of us walking through the convent carrying cutting boards and knives.  In some cases it was actually quite frightening.  After the group talked for a time, they passed out onions, great big yellow onions.  They told us not to peel them yet.  This was hard for me.  We weren't even allowed to fiddle with them! We got to know our onions.  We talked to them.  Again, this was quite strange, a room full of seminary students talking to onions.
We looked at the bums of our onions and their heads.  We examined the paper like skin and noticed the veins.  We explored the shape of the onion. We held them in our hands and caressed them.

Views of my onion.  We were friends.  (click to enlarge)

Then, slowly, almost reverently we undressed our onions. We peeled back the layers of onion paper as gently as possible, trying to keep the "clothes" intact.

My "elbow buddy" carefully removes the skin from her onion.

A pile of discarded onion clothes

Then we examined the dressings of the onion, marveling at the composition of the skin.

The skin of the onion was a paradox in an of itself. It was so delicate, yet so strong. It was living, but dead.  It was brown on one side, but yellow on the other. One side felt like old dry paper, the other like a mucous membrane.

I made a piece of mine into a turtle. I like turtles.

After we had undressed our onions, we chopped them in half.  For a brief moment, all the tenderness we had expressed towards them was gone.  The knives came out and the cleaving was decisive.  It was rather tragic. There was not a dry eye in the room. (okay, that may have had more to do with the fact that 30ish onions had just been cut open then with the tragedy).

Like biologists (or botanists) discovering a new species we examined the inside of our onions. We noted how the rings were nested inside of each other, like a set of dolls I used to have when I was younger, inside of each doll, a smaller doll, and a smaller doll, and a smaller doll. But I digress. We also noted how the color shifted even within each ring.  The concave edge was white, while the convex edge was a more goldeny-yellow color.

The nesting and color change

After examining this we were instructed to put our onions back together. This should not have been a problem since we had merely cleaved them in half. However, onions are pretty special things.  They don't fit back together once they have been separated. See?

There is a fancy biology word for what causes this.  It starts with a "t" and sounds like "ter-grr pressure" or something like that.  Basically, it's because there is so much pressure in the onion, when it has room to expand it does.  It changes on a cellular level when it has the space to.  My inquiring brain wondered if this could be exploited to grow onions in various shapes...if you planted an onion in a small square form, would it grow square?  What about a fun spiral shape? How strong is this pressure?  would it break wood? clay? concrete? While I was sweating through withdrawal on Tuesday and the kangaroo in my brain was having an unwelcome carnival, I pondered how to create this into a sound experiment.  Then I decided it was too much work (soil density, sample size, controls, humidity, temperature, moisture, viability of the onion bulb...).  But it would still be fun.

The more analytical part of my brain thought about relationships.  When two people are in relationship with each other, they are together, and if it is a serious relationship, they become one.  I think of some relationships I've had with friends (no, we did not become one in the awkward sense of the word.  Get your minds back where they belong!). When we were together we fit well together.  However, time passed and we separated.  We were/are still member of the same body (we're still onion parts) and we can still come together in ways, but we will never fit together like we used to.  We've been separated and the pressures inside us (aka, life and circumstance) caused to expand on our own, not uniformly, and as a result we don't fit together the same way any more.  But we are still onion parts.  For that I rejoice.  

I also had thoughts about broken hearts and this broken world we live in that needs a miracle to make us whole again.  Thank you Jesus for being that miracle!

Back to the onion. After trying to put the onions back together and learning that we couldn't, we very carefully we used the points of our knives we separated each section from the others.  We laid them out before us, much like I used to lay my nesting dolls out.  It was amazing to see how well they fit together and to marvel at the fact that they would never fit together again.

Someone with a lot more skill than me did this onion.  Mine was a little smushed. Oops!

After we had separated them we peeled of the membrane inside one of the sections.  It was so thin and transparent, like skin or white glue that has dried on your hands and you have peeled off or that privacy glass that you can almost see through sometimes...

Eventually, we sliced the onions and squished the juice out of them.  Onions are mostly water.  The power that water has is amazing.  It washes away dirt.  It makes the onion strong.  It quenches our thirst.  It makes things grow.  It freezes.  It vaporizes. It is so powerful it is used a symbol in baptism ("As surely as water washes away the dirt from the body, so certainly his blood and his Spirit wash away my soul's impurity, in other words, all my sins" (Q&A 69, Heidelberg Catechsim))

After we were all done spending time with our onions we chopped them up and made French Onion Soup. I hear that it was good.  It wasn't allergy friendly enough for me to partake.  It was a reminder to me of how something beautiful can come out of something so broken.  We took those onions apart, analyzed them, squished the juice right out of them, but they still made yummyness. 

By now you are probably wondering what this had to do with simplicity.  It all sounds rather complex (and it was). The point was learning to take joy in the simple things of life.  To savor every moment.  That life doesn't need to be filled with gadgets and electronics and noise to be filled with beauty.  We spent at least an hour cutting those onions and it was an hour well spent.  We can learn so much from just slowing down and noticing the little things.  And that is one of the keys to living simply.  Slowing down.  Appreciating what you have.  And eating yummy soup.  :)

Post script: The room in which we did this activity became known as the onion room for rest the week...it's real name: the tulip room.

Retreat, part 2: free time fun

The retreat wasn't all study.  We had free time between sessions and there was many ways to spend it.  First of all, the convent was located in a beautiful spot.  I'd love to go back in the spring, summer or fall when it's not so cold and snowy.  I'm sure it would be really pretty.
There was a lake there and it was frozen (this tends to happen in the winter), so one afternoon, when the sun was shining, I went out to play on the ice.  I checked it first and decided it was thick enough to support me.  It was so pretty (see pictures).  It had "flash frozen" so there were air bubbles trapped in the ice. But after playing on the ice for awhile I got told that we weren't allowed on the ice because it was too fresh.  It frustrated me a little, but I understand where they were coming from.  It is a liability and if someone isn't familiar with ice and ice safety it could end badly, since some spots were rather thin yet (one spot even had open water yet).

Pictures of the ice.  Click to enlarge.

Pictures of the bubbles in the ice.  Click to enlarge.

We could also spend our free time in the chapel of the Mother house.  It was a beautiful chapel and when I walked into it, I felt like I had been transported back to Germany.  When I reached for a prayer book, I actually expected it to be in German.  It wouldn't have surprised me so much if I had known that the order of nuns that we were staying with was a German order and the chapel had been modeled after a chapel in Germany. So it makes sense that it looked and felt German.  It was still decorated for Christmas and was wonderful.  I loved sitting there and spending time in prayer and meditation.  I might not agree with Catholics on every theological point, but they definitely have a good thing with the kneeling benches in the pews.  It was so good to have the space to spend time on my knees in the chapel.  Sometimes, after breakfast we could hear organ music coming from the chapel and if we had time before first session, I liked to go sit and listen.  I could feel the music vibrate through the floors and pews and it was incredibly comforting and peaceful.

The large chapel in the Mother house. Click to enlarge

In the evenings we liked to hang out in the "onion room" and play games, chat or do puzzles.  Many people played cards.  Other people preferred to play a crazy game about Zombies.  I don't understand much about zombies, but it seemed to be a fun game.  I know that to kill zombies, should they actually exist, all I need to do is roll doubles. So, if a zombie ever comes, I'll be finding a pair of dice and rolling frantically to get doubles. ;)

My fun came largely from sitting off to the side of the Zombie game and listening to things they said and writing it down.  The best is when they combined real life with the game. Here is a sampling of quotes that made me smile:

“I want hot chocolate too.  Can we both use the meat cleaver?”

“Can you find me a shotgun?”

“Can I pick up a signal flare? It's kinda like a gun...”

“Why can't you just die?!?!”

“Plot twist!  Nom Nom!”

“I don't want to eliminate her right away.  That's boring.  Or we just kill her now”

“Which zombie color are you?”

“I'm just going to go on a rampage”

“If you kill her, then she's dead and can't fight Louis”

“We need to find a shotgun.”

“I need to not die!”

“She's dead! Nom nom nom!”

“I can do all sorts of things in that field!”

“I lost the chainsaw” “Isn't that an awfully big thing to lose?”

If you didn't know what was going on, you would really wonder.  And even knowing what was going on, I wondered.  It was good entertainment though. :)

This is the Zombie game. 

People playing games.  Click to enlarge.

Retreat, part 1: An overview

I'm not sure how many parts this is going to have, but I'm guessing more than 1, since there is a lot to cover from the last week.
To start with, I was at a convent in Dondalson, Indiana.  It was called Lindenwood. I had never been to a convent before so I had no real schema for "convent".  When I thought about convents I thought about "Sound of Music"...not the most accurate picture in the world. The convent turned retreat center was beautiful.  I can only imagine how much more beautiful it would be when there is not snow on the ground.  The building we stayed in had a couple large conference type rooms, a lounge and then a whole bunch of sleeping rooms. We all had our own sleeping room, which was nice.  I like having my own space. The sleeping rooms were simply furnished and reminded me a little bit of hospital rooms in their simplicity: two beds, a desk and chair, and an attached bathroom.
We had the option of connecting to wireless internet in the lobby, using a shared computer in the lounge or going off-grid.  I chose to go off-grid for the week...no internet.  The first day or so was hard, but after that I began to enjoy not checking e-mails or facebook or dealing with the outside world.  It did mean I had to deal with it when I got back though...Not quite sure how I feel about that.
Our days were broken into 3 main parts.  We started each day with a short chapel time before breakfast and then after breakfast we dove into our first discipline of the day.  Each peer group presented one or two disciplines (meditation, prayer, study, simplicity, solitude, submission, confession, worship, celebration and guidance).  We also covered service, but that will get it's own post and we will cover fasting tomorrow morning on campus.  The presentations were about 30-45 minutes, then we were led in a guided experience to help us practice the discipline, either individually (prayer, study, submission, solitude) or with our peer groups (guidance, confession, mediation) or as a large group (simplicity, worship, celebration, service).  After the guided experience we had free time until the next meal or bedtime.
We took our meals over in the "mother house", where the nuns stayed.  The food was simple but good.  I did eat a lot of fruit and salad. The only time I got sick was Wednesday and that was mostly because I was careless.  Gluten is not my friend. It wasn't pleasant, but it was not my worst reaction ever.  Enough that I did get dehydrated and passed out, but overall it was minor.
Tuesday and Thursday were the days that I was weaning off of Prednisone, so I had expected them to be a bit rough (Prednisone withdrawal is never pleasant). Tuesday was about as expected and I slept during most of our free time.  Thursday though (which I expected to be the rougher of the two days, especially after being gluten-sick on Wednesday) was just fine.  No withdrawal symptoms at all. Thank you all for your prayers.
Also, offer praise to our Father who heals -- I am currently at 28 days seizure free. This is the longest I can remember being seizure free in the last 2 years.  Medically, there have been no changes.  The only explanation is G-d.  Which is enough for me.
I'll post more about the retreat in the next few days (and there will be pictures).

Piñata

There will be more pictures and posts of substance from my J-term retreat, after I get a chance to settle and unpack and locate my head again.  It was a really great week and I am currently at 25 days seizures free. I just wanted to get some pictures for my brothers who made the piñata for the spiritual disciple of celebration (because sometimes, I am a nice big sister):

First, you talk your little brothers into making the piñata for you.  This saves you a lot of time and effort, however, you do need to talk them down from a giant form to a smaller, more transportable form.  Then you just let them have fun with it.

You spend all week at the retreat looking for the perfect place to hang it. 

This was the best spot we found.  We had to be careful of the exit sign...it survived intact.

 Then you let people smash it (click on the picture to make it bigger).  At many points we were concerned about the integrity of the broom handle.

More pictures of people smashing it (and some repeats, just because I didn't have 60 different shots)

Then at the end, while we are cleaning up, the boys discover this secret compartment full of candy and tear into it. 

When all is said and done, you sweep it all up and throw it away.  Much fun was had by all.