On the move again

Real quick post tonight since it is late... I'm thinking about reviving the blog a bit, sharing some of our journey with Bean and now Spud as well.  Anyone interested?  Whether you're interested or not, I may or may not still post.  So, pretending I never stopped...
The last 3 months or so have been pretty crazy in the Ayala household.  My sister came back for a visit from Israel, Bean turned 3 (WHAT?!?), Spud was born, Christmas happened, David's mom came to visit for a couple weeks in January and then returned to Texas.  After returning to Texas, she succumbed to the cancer that she had been fighting and died, so David went down to Texas to settle things there, leaving me and the boys at our York st house to pack up and get ready to move.  David came home and about 2 weeks later we were on our way to an apartment in London.  And those are just the cliff's notes!

Why London?
London is where Robarts School for the Deaf is.  It is where we feel Bean will do the best for education.  It hasn't been an easy decision and I'll try to post more about why we decided to go this route at another time.  For now though, just a couple pictures before I hop into bed.

Introducing Spud

Making memories with Grandma

Brothers:

Introducing: Bean

David and I are pleased to announce the pending arrival of our little bundle of joy: Bean.
Bean is expected to arrive in mid to late December and we are eager for Bean's arrival.  In the  meantime, here are some question and answers about Bean.

Is Bean a boy or a girl?
Bean is either a boy or a girl.  We will find out in about 6 months, right after we see Bean's face.

Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?
We will both be happy as long as Bean is healthy, regardless of whether Bean is a boy or a girl.

Have you been sick?
Yes.  But as long as I take my Diclectin I'm okay.

What about school?  I heard that David was going back to Iowa...
Yes, David is going back to Iowa to finish off his BA at Central.  Due to visa requirements, he has been unable to get work in Canada.  Without an income, we can't afford to send him to school here.  Additionally, it would take 2-3 years here for him to finish his degree whereas he can do it in one at Central, and earn an income at the same time.

What about you?  Are you going with him?
No.  I will be staying here.  Because of medical costs it is not feasible for me to be in the US during pregnancy and delivery.  It would cost a lot of money that we don't have.  Here it is covered by the government, so financially it is better for me to stay here.  I will be continuing my schooling at Tyndale, taking online courses.

Won't that be ridiculously hard?
Yes.  There will be nothing easy about it, but it is something that has to happen at this point. Thankfully we have Skype and e-mail and Facebook...  we'll be able to stay in touch.  It won't be the same as being together, but it will help.

Will David be back before Bean is born?
Hopefully.  It all depends on when he writes his exams and when Bean decides to show up.  It is our prayer that Bean will wait until David is home before he/she comes, but Bean will come when Bean is ready to come.

What is the plan after Bean is born?
We will work on getting Bean a passport as soon as possible, ideally before it is time for David's graduation in May.  David does intend on coming back to Canada at this point and pursuing a Master's degree.  The college he has looked at would allow him to work off campus and thus be able to continue providing income for us, making it a lot easier for him to live in Canada and us to be together as a happy family.

How can I help out?
At this point not a whole lot of help is needed, but once David leaves to go back to school in August, and especially after Bean is born, there will be more ways to help.  In the meantime, the best support can be given through prayer - both for my health and for Bean's health.   I am planning on setting up a Facebook group where I can post specific prayer requests for Bean and I throughout the pregnancy.  If you would like to be part of it, let me know and I will be sure to add you.

Seizure and Wedding News

Just because I haven't posted in awhile doesn't mean that things haven't been happening.  It actually means that too much has been happening and I haven't had time to sit down and write!
We haven't had any more babies since the pictures I've already posted, but should have some soon.  Reglisse is already at 360 days, and Atarah isn't far behind her.  They are both first timers though, so it's hard to say for sure.  I'll post pictures as soon as those babies get to the outside!
And now for some pictures of another sort.  I captured these just before dinner tonight.

201 days without a seizure.  We have started tapering me off of one of my seizure medications and so far I'm doing great without it.  It will be a long slow taper and there are no promises that it will work, but for now, I'm optimistic.  Prayer point for this: that I continue to remain seizure free and that the taper goes well with no  adverse side effects. 

And the wedding is 2 months away.  2 months.  AHHHH!  that scream is both excitement, nerves, and everything else.  Prayer point for this:  David is still not able to get here due to some visa issues.  Prayers that that clears up would be great.

And that's all for now.  It's bed time. 

Adult

I stood in front of the kitchen window in my apartment, looking out over the sunny courtyard and squishing cheese cracker dough between my hands and laying it out on the cookie sheets, watching the time, making sure the crackers would all be through the oven in time for my 2pm meeting, and that’s when it hit me square between the eyes.  I am an adult.
I don’t know when it happened.  I don’t know how it happened.  But I do know that it happened.  Sure as the sun was shining in the sky, sure as the robins were walking through the grass, I was an adult.
It hadn’t happened when I hit that magical number of 18 and was allowed to take my Girl Scouts places by myself (as long as I didn’t drive!). It hadn’t happened when I graduated high school and took a group of preteens overseas, though I was often expected to act like an adult and make adult decisions.  It didn’t happen at any point during college, no matter what life through at me, and it certainly didn’t happen on the day I walked across the stage and received my college diploma.  Yet somehow it still happened.
Here I am, an adult.

As I reflected on that I wondered what it meant. What does it mean to be an adult?  I looked it up in my dictionary (ie: I typed it into an online dictionary…same thing really...just don't type the word "Adult" into your search engine by itself...) and found these three definitions for the noun form:
1: a person who is fully grown or developed or of age.
2.a full-grown animal or plant.
3.a person who has attained the age of maturity as specified by law.
None of them really seemed to fit what was happening in me at that moment.  I had been full-grown for some time.  I had reached my full height in the 7th grade, much to my disgust. I did develop a little more after that as my body went through changes, but for sure by the end of high school I was fully grown...but yet I wasn't an adult then. Definition 2 simply didn't apply, as I am neither plant nor animal.  And the 3rd definition...well, I had reached that age a long time ago.  So what was it?

I think for me, the realization that I am now an adult, is a combination of the fact that major life changes are headed my way. I'm leaving school before finishing it because I want to switch to another school.  No one is forcing me, no one is saying no.  I'm also getting married.  Yeah.  Married.  Kids don't get married. But that still doesn't seem like all of it.  But it's for sure a part of it.
I'm changing schools, I'm getting married, I pay bills, I buy groceries, I go to meetings, I sometimes clean my house…I guess all these things make me an adult.

But there is part of me that doesn't want to be an adult yet, and a part that I hope never becomes an adult.  It's the part of me that keeps dreaming, keeps hoping, keeps creating.  It's the part of me that for a time can put aside the worries and cares of this world and dance.  That can stop and smell the flowers just because, that is free to be me.

Children are free like that.  Did you ever stop to watch children play on a playground?  The don't look around, always watching their backs to see who is following them, worrying about what comes next, the play with pure abandon, making friends with whoever seems to be there, living into the moment.  That's the part of me, the part that I want to keep as a child forever.

Smiles

Yesterday’s post was kind of a downer and I’m really not a negative person overall.  I’d just had one too many really bad day.  Today's post, much better.
There have been so many good things lately too.  I don't mean to focus on the bad, because they I just get grumpy.
For example, on Wednesday, the afternoon sun was coming in the window of the church just right and I sat there and read for class.  It was perfect, as if the window and the sun had been made just for me.
I also have amazing friends.  Friends who have gone out of their way to help me.  I had a friend come over on Thursday night and help me clean.  My room was cleaner after that than it had been in two years I think.  She even helped me vacuum the floor. Rest my house may still be a mess, but my room is clean and the bed even has fresh sheets!
Mom made is safely here this afternoon and we went for lunch at a lovely place (more on that later!) and spent the afternoon trying on wedding dresses.  I was exhausted by the time we were done, but it was maybe just a tiny bit fun. Mom also brought wonderful Canadian treasures with her like School Safe Butter (which trumps amercian soy butter by a long shot) and a gift from my dear friend and mentor Aunt Nancy.
I get fresh vegetables every week from the CSA I share with friends.  I might not always know what to do with them, but I have them.  And they are fresh.
Finally, I'm getting married to the man I love in August.  As much stress as that causes it is so worth it. I love him and he loves me and the wedding is only a day (okay, in our case, two days).  In the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal.  Just a blip on the radar.  What matters is that we will have all of forever together.
And that's just a small portion of the smiles for today.

Happy News

Hello Friends and Family and others,
On Sunday January 8 I left for Iowa with my parents, intent on seeing my boyfriend.  On Saturday January 14 I will be leaving my fiancé in Iowa.

David and have known each other for many years, about three or so.  We went to school together and he’s even been to Canada to meet my family before (long before we were dating!). This week we spent much time together building with blocks and building our relationship.

On today (Friday January 13, 2012) we went on an “outing” around town.  We ended up at campus very close to where we had first met.  We were standing by the almost frozen pond talking about some of his writing.  (Joy had to discourage David from walking on the thin ice…perhaps this is a sign that David will attempt to walk on thin ice in the future?!?) David was explaining about a character in one of his pieces that had the ability to create little men out of any object, animate them and send them on his errands.  We thought that a little man of fire or smoke would be especially cool.  Then David started talking about a little metal man.

I saw his hand in his pocket and kept trying to walk away (nerves sometimes do that), but he wouldn’t let me.  He asked me if he could ask me a question.  I told him he could ask but I might not answer.  Next thing I know both he and a metal man are on their respective knees asking me to marry them.

Actually, only David did the asking.  Metal man is a mute…he’s actually headless, so speaking is more difficult.  David says actions are louder than words anyways.  Metal man was holding the ring which happens to be my great grandma’s engagement ring.  It was last worn about 103 years ago.

Naturally I said yes. So now, I no longer have a boyfriend, I have a fiancé.

At this point, no date has been set.

Joy (Joellen) and David

I have a dream...

I have a dream.  The problem is, I'm not quite sure what it is or what it's going to look like.  That might not sound like much of a dream to you, but it is just as real and solid as any other dream.
Fredrick Buechner, a kind of important guy, once said "The place G-d calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."  That's my dream.  To discover that place, the place of deep gladness and the world's deep hunger.

It seems easy, but it's not.   That place is hard to find.
I want to find the place, I want to know where it is.  That place, the place where my deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet, that place is the place where I will find peace.  If I could find that place on my own, I would do it in a heart beat.  I would talk to people who need talked to (school, family, the Man that I really am quite smitten with) and head to that place, the place where my call is.
But I can't.

A week or so ago a dear friend of mine shared a quote from a devotional with me.  It's about waiting and trusting G-d.  The whole devotional that she sent me was wonderful, but especially these last two paragraphs:


"Well, when you say that you're "waiting", that means you are accepting God's timing and the wisdom of it. You're confessing this: "I'm not fussing. I'm not fuming. I'm not fixing." You're not thinking in the back of your mind, "Oh, I could do a few things to get me out of this situation. I've got some insights. I could say some things. I could get some balls rolling. I could take hold of this if I had to.

Waiting means you're no longer relying on what you can figure out or even understand. It is deliberately relying on God through prayer and flat-out trust. "This is way beyond me, Lord. I'm leaving it in Your hands. I know I don't have to understand in order to trust You. I'm waiting on You for my salvation; You have to get me out of this narrow place." --James McDonald

That's where I am right now.  I'm in that place were there is nothing more I can do.  Except wait and trust, even though I don't understand.  Am I good at it?  No way!  I'm awful at waiting, I'm awful at trusting, but right now, I don't have a choice.  There is nothing more that I can do, and perhaps, that is right where G-d wants me right now.  I don't understand it, I don't even like it most days, but for now, I will trust.

Weathering the Storms of Life

Those who know me best, know that I've been in a bit of a stormy time lately. Nothing overly bad per se has happened directly to me (the world around me is constantly full of tragedy), just a lot of unrest.  I'm sure my parents would testify to that...they probably got more phone calls from me in the last week or so than they get in two to three weeks when things are going well.
I've moved to more a place of peace now.  Not everything is solved and there is still a lot of unknowns (nothing has really changed as far as what I know or don't know about what comes), but I'm more at peace about what I don't know.  I'm going to plant some tulips on Saturday (I have to buy tulip bulbs at market before I can plant them).
As I was going through some old files other night, looking for something, I stumbled across this prayer that I had marked as coming from Thomas a Kempis.  In my original note, I'd notes that I had no idea who he was or what he'd done except that he was an important dead guy (he had to be important, he was in a textbook).  For those of you who care, he was a monk who lived a long time ago (died in the 1400's).
Anywho, I wanted to share this prayer with all of you.  Right now, it's giving me a lot of comfort.

"Lord, I know that you sometimes permit

trouble and temptation to come to me.

I cannot escape them

but, driven by my need,

I must come to you for help

that you may work this out for my good.

O G-d, I feel uneasy and depressed

because of this present trouble.

I feel trapped on every side,

yet I know I have come to this hour,

so that I may learn that you alone

can free me from this predicament.

Lord, deliver me,

for what can I do without you,

helpless as I am?

Lord give me patience in all my troubles.

Help me, and I will not be afraid,

no matter how discouraged I may be.

Let me bear this trouble patiently

until the storm has passed

and my heart is calm again.

Your power, Lord, can take this trouble from me,

as you have done many times before.

No matter how hard it is for me,

it is easy for you, O Lord."

Why plant tulips?

Why plant tulips?
they take all winter.
i might not see them bloom
they are everywhere.
Why plant tulips?

Why plant tulips?
buried in the ground
doomed to die
threatened by the squirrels.
Why plant tulips?

Why plant tulips?
6 months, a year
2 at the most
then I move on.
Why plant tulips?

Why plant tulips?
pressing through the last glimmer of snow
waking up the world from its sleep
giving hope where there was none.
Why plant tulips?

Why plant tulips?
put down roots
not for you, but for the next
seek the peace and prosperity of where you are.
Why plant tulips?

Why not?

jep 25.10.11

inspired by Jeremiah 29

Tulip with dew, spring 2010, Pella, IA

The "What-If" Game

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been playing the “what if” game.  I played it as a child and I play now as a grown-up of sorts.

There are different kinds of what-ifs, some healthier than others.

Firstly, there are the ones that simply cause more anxiety:

What if the neighborhood cougar eats me when I take the compost out?  (although the neighborhood cougar was very real, it never attacked a human.  He preferred sheep and chickens)

What if it snows so much that we can’t get home from school? (at least once we were sent home early to avoid this)

What if Mommy gets in a car accident because the weather is so horrible and she doesn’t come home from work? (she worked homecare in a rural setting.  The weather was often very horrible at night)

The anxiety causing ones are typically things that are well beyond our control and we can do little to nothing to prepare for them.

Then there are the what-ifs that lead to being prepared:

What if instead of being sunny on our campout it rains? (hint: pack rain gear)

What if there is a fire in the building I’m in? (hint: know your exits)

What if I get stuck in traffic with 13 little girls in the back of the van? (true  story.  Hint: sing songs and make up games)

What if my Kingdom Kids finish their craft in 5 minutes instead of 15?  (hint: always overplan)

What if our trip takes a day longer than planned? (hint: bring extra underwear and extra medication)

What if we come upon a car accident while we are driving? (hint: keep your first aid training up to date and carry a first aid kit in the car)

What if I'm hungry before I get home? (hint: always bring a snack!)

There are some what-ifs that are more likely than others:

“What if I get kidnapped?” is a much less likely scenario than “What if I get hit by a car on my way to school?” (some mornings my eyes are barely open as I cross the street to school)

“What if I forget that it’s my Sunday to do liturgy?” is much more likely to happen than “What if I forget the way to church?” (It’s been a year, it involves no more than 3 turns and one of them is a forced turn)

“What if I forget to comb my hair?” is much more likely than “what if I forget to get dressed before going to class?”

Then there are the really fun what-ifs, the ones that let you play with the future and explore different ideas:

What if I decide not to go on my J-term trip?

What if I don’t turn in my credo paper on time?

What if I decide to stop going to school for a while and instead get a real job?

What if he actually loves me instead of just likes me?

What if I dye my hair purple?

What if I move to a different state?

What if I switch to distance learning?

What if I decide to get my nose pierced?

What if I find out I can’t have children?

What if I could find all the people who ever made me angry and beat them with a wet noodle?

What if the seizures never go away?

What if I could stop worrying about what people think about me?

What if this is my last day on earth?

The last list is by no means complete and not all of them are necessarily happy or serious.  They just are.  In one of my classes this semester, Play in Life and Ministry, we’ve been reading about creativity and how playing the “what-if” game can actually be healthy.  It helps you see outside of the normal bounds of society.  It gives you the freedom to look beyond what is immediate and play with the concepts of time and the future.  Of course, some what-ifs are just plain worrisome and should not be played with (see the first list).

So how do you play with the future and time? How do you relieve your stress by playing with your imagination?  What are some of your what-ifs?

The Plan

The plan was perfect.  We’d thought of everything, or so we thought.  My sister needed picked up from the canoe course she’d just taught. We had reservations at a “safe” restaurant.  We had excuses for why we needed to ride along to pick her up.  The birthday cake was made and decorated.  Chores were done early.  We were ready to get in the car with our unsuspecting father and head out.  Then the phone rang.   Phone calls at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon when all of us are home from college are unusual (when we're at school, that's about the time we check in).  It wasn’t hard to figure out from his side of the conversation what had happened.

He had a call.

He had to go respond.

Our plan seemed to be ruined.  Mom tried to cover, but he got suspicious.  Thankfully for us, he was wise and didn’t relay his suspicions.  Once he was out on the call Mom called the restaurant and tried to change the reservations.  She was successful. Then we tried to contact my sister and inform her of the change.  If we had reached her before he came home we could have made up a story about how she called saying she had been delayed in her return, but the number she had left us was erroneous.  We spent an hour trying to find the right phone number.  My dad returned. We thought our bluff was up.  In reality it partially was but, my dad in his wisdom, played along.

Mom, Youngest Brother and I, got in the car with him to go get her.  Mom came along just because (she doesn't need an excuse to hang out with her husband).  I came along so I could show Sister pictures of her new alpaca baby.  Youngest Brother came along so that he and Middle Brother wouldn't kill each other (they were having one of "those" days).  Papa came because he was the driver.

As soon as we left and were out of sight of the house Biggest Brother, other Sister and Middle Brother got in the truck and headed to the restaurant.

We collected Sister and then proceeded to give my dad directions "home".  I "spotted" a restaurant and decided I was hungry and couldn't wait until we got home and there were no snacks in the car, so we just had to stop. When we convinced him to pull into the parking lot, he knew we were up to something for sure.  Mom and I spotted Biggest Brother's truck and tried to direct him to park near it, but he didn't see it and wouldn't listen.  It was only once we were in the restaurant being seated with the others that he figured it out.  And it wasn't until dessert that Sisters figured out that we had cake for them and I had their birthday gifts.

The Plan didn't go exactly the way that we had intended it to (my dad is just too smart sometimes!), but it was still a good evening, and it made me think.

Someone has a Plan for my life.  I also have a plan for my life, just like my dad had a plan for his evening (FYI: it did not involve an emergency call or going out for dinner). Our plan for the evening was almost ruined by unexpected events.  I'm thankful that the One who knows my plan is greater than anything that could possibly ruin it. Things might (and often do!) happen that I don't expect, but nothing is unexpected for Him.  Just like my dad made plans to go pick up Sister and then come straight home, which didn't happen since we had plans for him that he didn't know about (which, in my opinion, were better anyways), G-d has plans for me that are different than my plans for me and in His opinion (and in mine), they are better anyways.

Sometimes it scares me to think that my plans are just that, my plans, and someone far greater than me is controlling them, and not just for an evening, or a day, or a week, but forever.  But when I think about who is controlling them, it scares me less.  He's been controlling everything since before time began, which is just crazy to think about.  When I'm confused or overwhelmed, I just remember Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

I don't have to worry about my plan, because as long as I'm following His Plan, I'll be okay.

A Far Greater Plan

One evening I set apart my entire evening from after dinner until bedtime.  It was going to be date night with Jesus.  It may sound cheesy, but I was excited.  I packed some blueberries for a snack (what's a date without some food?), got my Camelback all cleaned and filled, and set out towards Lake Michigan to watch the sunset with my Jesus.   It's about 8 miles (13km) from my apartment to the lake, so it was one of my longer trips this summer. I had my blueberries, my water, my Bible and my journal.  It was going to be a good night.
I got to the beach and made my way across the sand to the spot that stick out into the water.  I climbed over the railing and settled myself onto some nice big rocks and looked out over the Lake.
The sun reflected beautifully off the water.

I kept waiting for the color to explode across the sky like I'd seen it do before, but the sun just kept sinking lower

The brilliant colors didn't come and, as petty as it sounds, I started to get angry at G-d. I knew he could make a splendarific sunset.  He'd wow-ed me with them before.  I'd set apart this evening as a special time to be with him and he didn't how up.  I walked away from the beach angrily and got back on my bike and started back to my apartment, still ticked with G-d.

As I rode back, I glimpsed something beautiful out of the corner of my eye.  It was bright red and orange and yellow.

I tried to photograph it, but the picture just couldn't contain its glory. As I watched the moon rise in the night sky, I heard a voice whisper in my ear "I have a far greater plan for you"

My lover did show up.  He not only showed up, but he showed up in a more spectacular way than I could have planned, and he gave me the words that I most needed to hear.  He does indeed have a far greater plan for me. 

Pickled Asparagus, Radical Evangelism, Human Trafficking and Jesus

This afternoon while I was pickling asparagus (something new for me...I've never pickled asparagus before.  Just cucumbers and beets, but I like asparagus and I like beets, so pickled asparagus sounds promising.) I was thinking about radical evangelism, human trafficking and Jesus.  I know what the last three have in common, but I am still not quite sure how packing asparagus spears into piping hot jars while listening to a Sara Groves/Tenth Avenue North/JJ Heller/Laura Hackett/Laura Story playlist bought me to the other three topics.  If you have any ideas, please feel free to let me know!

Anyone who denies that human trafficking (a fancy word for slavery!) is a problem in North America, needs to wake up a little bit and read some headlines.  Google "Human Trafficking in *insert name of country or state or province here*" and what you find may surprise you. It's happening in your back yard, whether you like it or not. 

According to Canada Fights Back, human trafficking is the second largest organized crime worldwide. It brings in more profit annually than Google, Starbucks and Nike combined.  I could give you more facts, such as the fact that every 30 seconds a child is sold or the fact that 80% of the people enslaved due to human trafficking are women, but I'll stop there.  If you want to know more, google it. 

As I thought about the problem of human trafficking, the overwhelming questions on my heart were: Who is going to reach these people?  Who is going to tell them that there is a G-d who loves them, no matter what man has done to them? (70% of those sold into slavery are sold of the purpose of sexual exploitation)

I thought about who reached the slaves when slavery was legal.  In some ways it was easier then, the slaves were visible then, whereas today, many of them are hidden. As I thought more about it, my very limited knowledge brought to mind that the Gospel was shared with slaves by other slaves.  As slaves were bought and sold they carried their most precious possession with them - the saving truth of the Gospel. When they could, they sang it.  I remembered a story about two young Moravians that I used in a sermon last spring, who willingly sold themselves into slavery so that they could reach other slaves. 

As I called that story back to mind, my mind began to wander to today...could the same concept work today? Could someone sell themselves into slavery in order to reach other enslaved people?  That would be super radical evangelism.

Jesus gave us the model for radical evangelism. He could have just sent a message from heaven to tell us about His saving grace.  But I'm not sure that would have meant anything to us.  In fact, I'm almost certain it wouldn't.  It would be comparable for me telling someone who is going through a bitter divorce how to fix their marriage...I've never been married (nor divorced) and I have no training in marriage counselling (yet). They wouldn't want to listen to me and they shouldn't listen to me!  Instead, Jesus came to us.  He came to be one of us.  To walk the roads we walk, to fight the fights we fight every day.  He earned his right to be heard. He earned it along a beach with fishermen, on the long dusty roads, in the crowded synagogues, at the painful end of a Roman whipping, as the recipient of jeers and spits, on a Roman cross, and ultimately when he rose again from the grave, conquering death.  After he had earned his right to be heard, then he could share the message he came to share (and had been sharing) and have it understood and received.  

All of this thinking led me to the inevitable conclusion: in order to reach those who have been sold into slavery, in order for the Gospel to be heard by them, someone has to become one of them.  Someone has to let themselves be sold into slavery.  

It's a hard thought.  It is not something I am called to, but the question it raised in me was "what if?"  What if that was my calling? What if I had a very clear message from the Lord that my calling was to sell myself into slavery so that I could reach other slaves?  Would I go?  Would I listen?  Or would I pull a Jonah and run as fast as I could in the other direction because it seemed so extreme? What about you?  What f that was G-d's calling on your life?  Would you go?

It's easy to say that you would follow G-d's call on your life, no matter what is.  To stand up or raise your hand at a retreat or after a short term mission trip and say that you are ready to follow G-d's call, no matter what it is, but it's another thing to realize what a potential calling might be, what it would mean, and then still say that you would follow no matter what.

For those of you holding your breath out of curiosity, wanting to know if I would actually sell myself into slavery if that is what G-d called me to: the answer is that I don't know. I would have to do some pretty serious praying about it first.  And then, at some point, if I were 100% sure that this is what I was called to do, then I would pray that I would have the faith to follow through. And that answer goes for anything that G-d might call me to, not just selling myself into slavery.

Very Waiting

I'm at a waiting place.  A very waiting place.  There are different kinds of waiting.  Sometimes waiting is just a matter of putting in time.  Other times, you hardly know you are waiting.  And sometimes there is the very waiting.  That's where I am now.  I'm waiting for the phone to ring.  It's the kind of waiting where you don't go anywhere without your phone and you don't dare turn it off. It's the kind of waiting where you explain to your professors that your phone is going to remain on vibrate during class and that if it rings, you will take the call, irregardless of what is going on in class.  It's the kind of waiting where you come back in when you are half way out the door with your hands full of garbage to grab your your phone because you don't want to miss the call because you are taking the garbage out.  It's the kind of waiting where a text message jolts you out of an unintended nap and leaves your heart pounding as you search the couch cushions for your phone.  It's the kind of waiting where you check your phone repeatedly because you think maybe you felt it vibrate.
It's the kind of waiting where you are both eagerly expecting the phone call and dreading it all at the same time.  It's the kind of waiting you do when you know this phone call could either change everything, or change nothing at all.
All this waiting has prompted some thinking.  As the body of Christ, we do a lot of waiting.  We even have whole church seasons designed for waiting.  We call them Advent and Lent.   In Advent we wait for the coming of Christ.  In Lent (which is almost over by the way), we wait for the Celebration of Easter.  And then of course there is the time after Easter when we wait to celebrate the coming of the Spirit at Pentecost.  Our church year revolves around waiting.  And then there is the Big Waiting.  The waiting for Christ to return and the kingdom of heaven to be realized. But how often do we really realize that we are waiting?  How often do we engage in the state of Very Waiting?  Do we wait for Christ with the same expectation that we wait for a potentially life changing phone call? How would that look?  How would our lives be different?  What if we knew that Jesus was going to call us up on our cell phones? How would we go about making plans?  How would we live?
Waiting for Jesus is a different kind of waiting than waiting for this phone call.  I knew that today was the earliest I would possibly hear anything.  I know that now that it is after 5pm I am  not likely to hear anything until tomorrow morning.  But it doesn't work that way with Jesus.  He isn't bound by the business day, nor is He bound by whether or not you have cell phone reception. And when He does come, it will change everything. Are you ready to join me in the Very Waiting?

Making Changes

The beginning of the year is a time when many people claim that they are going to make changes, resolutions to eat better, exercise more, do their homework, walk the dog, etc.  Most of them last a month at the most.  That's not what this is about though. This is about a very real, concrete change that has already been made.  Think of this as a note to keep everyone who likes to stalk me informed.

As of this morning I am no longer a dual track student at Western Theological Seminary.  I am still a student at WTS, but now I am a straight up Master's of Divinity student (instead of a combined Master's of Social work/Master's of Divinity student).

This was not a decision made lightly, but one made after many months of prayer and wrestling.  Initially, when I came to seminary I was feeling a call towards para-church, social work type work.  I wanted it to be supported by a firm theological foundation.   That's what drew me to the dual track program.  However, since coming to school G-d has been working in me and pulling me away from that dream and more towards pastoral ministry. That, along with a desire to slow down and focus more on the Master's of Divinity material while I'm here (in the dual track, 3 years of seminary are compressed into 2) is a large part of the reason I decided to make this switch.
I don't regret entering seminary in the dual track program, in fact, if it hadn't been for the dual track program, I probably wouldn't be here at all. G-d had been drawing me to seminary for awhile and I kept resisting.  The dual track was a way for G-d to get me into seminary, and now that I'm here, G-d has made it clear to me that He has plans for me that were different than the plans I had for me.  I don't feel that I misjudged G-d's call on my life when I entered the dual track program, I feel that it was G-d's way of gently shaping me for what He had planned for me.

Practically this doesn't change a whole lot.  It means I'll be here at WTS for 3 years instead of 2 and won't be doing a 2 year Master of Social work degree afterwards.  It also means a little bit of a lighter course load for me. :)
And, just to keep life interesting, I am absolutely loving my preaching class.  And I said I'd never be a preaching pastor....

Not Mine Anyways

A couple times a month I spend a half day (or a whole day once a month) at The Maple and Moose in Blythe. The Maple and Moose is a cooperative that sells all kinds of wonderful craft type stuff (finished product).  Being a cooperative, everyone who has stuff there has to put in time running the store.  The alpaca collective has stuff in at the store, and since I’m an unemployed college student home for the summer, I got voluntold to take our share of shifts.  It’s not hard work, but it can be long and boring, especially full day (10 hour shifts).  To pass the time, I bring my computer with me.  Being in town, there are often unsecured wireless connections just floating around and I piggy-back off of them.  There is one that generally works very well.  I can be online and blog (see “What we have”) and talk to people on facebook and just in general amuse myself, while still tending to customers as needed (some days hours can go by with no customers).

When I got to the store today I couldn’t get my computer to connect to the connection I usually use. I found myself getting frustrated.  What would I do with myself on a 5 hour shift with no internet?  What if there was a swim team crisis that I had to solve? (I do all the data entry and meet set-up stuff…finals are tomorrow afternoon) What if I had a problem and had to use Skype to call Mommy in for back-up? How could I monitor the weather forecast? (swim meet tomorrow is an outdoor meet, the weather is crucial) I tried repeatedly to get connected and finally ended up restarting my computer and starting over.  I got my connection and spent about 2 hours bumming around the internet and selling some stuff at the store.   Then, about 2 hours and a bit into my shift, I lost my connection.  I tried repeatedly to reconnect.  It was gone.  The connection I usually use wasn’t even showing up on my list of available networks.  I tried a different connection.  No luck.

I sat, realizing I had about two and half hours left of my shift and no internet.  I played a couple games of frogger (that seemed to work even without internet) and realized that I am even worse at frogger now than I was when I was little and we used to play on the DataTrain and Atari (very old computer system and gaming system, respectively).  It does take real skill to get a final score of 10 in frogger…And then I just sat for a while in a state of frustration about the internet (or lack there of).  Then it hit me.

What right did I have to be upset about the internet not working?

It wasn’t my internet to start with.  I don’t pay for it.  I don’t make sure it stays bug free.  I simple enjoy the fruits of someone else’s labors and pocketbook. I sat uncomfortably with that for a time, knowing there had to be more to it.  Usually when something like that lodges in my head and makes me uncomfortable, there is something more to it.

I thought and thought (and ate my supper).  Where had I heard that question before:  “What right do you have to be upset about ____?”  I paged through my brain (today my brain is a book) and finally found it.  Jonah 4.   Jonah had finally gotten to Nineveh (after a detour that involved the stomach of a big fish) and preached fire and brimstone to them.  If they didn’t repent G-d was going to destroy them.  The people of Nineveh weren’t stupid and repented, and G-d relented.   Jonah was not pleased.  He yelled at G-d, angry that G-d had spared the wicked people.  G-d asked him: Have you any right to be angry?  Jonah didn’t respond but went away and pouted.  G-d, being the kind, loving G-d He is, caused a vine to grow up near Jonah to give him shade.  Jonah fell asleep in the shade of the vine, and G-d, being a kind, loving G-d who always strives to teach His children in a way they will understand, caused a worm to come eat the vine.  Bye-bye shade.  Enter super grumpy Jonah.   Again Jonah ranted and raved, and again G-d asked him: Do you have any right to be angry about the vine? You did nothing to cause it to grow, you did not tend it, yet you are angry about.

It made me think (with no internet and no customers, I had lots of time to think)…how many things do I worry about and get upset about when it’s not my place?  I fret about the weather and whether or not it is going to storm at our swim meet, but that’s not mine to worry about.  I wonder about the choices my friends make and how they live their lives, but that’s not mine either.  Really, the only things I need to concern myself with, is the choices I make.  That’s mine. 

Hey look! Internet is back on!  I can stop thinking now ;)

Would You Rather...?

There is a game that is often played as an icebreaker or just a way to pass the time called "would you rather...?" in which participants are asked a question in the form of "would you rather option a or option b?" and are forced to choose and option.  The questions can cover a wide range of topics and answers can be easy (would you rather eat chocolate or vanilla ice cream once a day?) or more difficult (would you rather have just one close friend or 10 friends who weren't as close?) depending on the purpose.  They can also be outright silly/gross (would you rather have no bladder control or no bowel control?)...the silly/gross ones often come out when you are playing with pre-teen boys...something in the age I think.
Anyhow, the other night while I was making supper the boys decided that I was either lactating chicken or a dairy goat that laid eggs.  They couldn't decide which.  (Their reasoning was that I had to be one or the other because I "make eggs" using egg replacer and water for baking due to a severe egg allergy and I make the milk for our bottle babies.) After we got done laughing I started thinking more seriously about the question. (this is a definite sign that I need to be back in school!)  Being a goat has definite advantages.  Goats are cute.  See how cute Jumper and Josie are?

But chickens give you cute baby chicks.  See how adorable the baby chick is?

There are also definite disadvantages to being both a goat and a chicken.  Goats eat garbage.  Chickens can't really do much...most can't even fly.  The more I thought on it, the more it became clear to me that there really wasn't a better choice between the two.  It didn't really matter if I was lactating chicken or a dairy goat that laid eggs.  That wouldn't change who I was, so there had to be a reason why I was stuck on this questions.
So I thought more about.  I tried to ignore option A and option B and focus on the form of the question.
What "would you rather" situation was I getting stuck in?  It didn't take me long to come up with the answer...Would I rather things stay the same or change? Would I rather stick with what I know or step out in faith?    The answer to this question really does matter, it matters much more than my answer to the lactating chicken/egg laying goat question.  Its a question between growing stagnant and being fresh, it's a question that I have to answer for myself, and a question that you have to answer for yourself.  Would I rather stick with what I know?  Sometimes I think it would be nice, but I'll never know what I'm missing if I don't step out in faith.
So my answer:  I'd rather be an egg laying diary goat who steps out in faith to embrace change, even though it terrifies me.

Thoughts on my last night of being an undergraduate

Tomorrow I graduate from Central College. This is quite likely my last post as an undergraduate and quite possibly my last post from Pella, at least for awhile. My room is almost all packed up. I should be working on it still, but I feel that I’ve made a lot of progress and I want to take a break. My parents are in town and staying with friends for tonight and tomorrow night. I’ll be on campus for 2 sleeps yet. We’ll see how much sleep actually happens….


As I think back on my four years here, one word stands out more than any other. That word is community. The community here at Central has meant so much to me. I don’t even know how to describe it to people who haven’t experienced it. The community here is family. I have professors who will give me hugs tomorrow. My boss gave me a hug today as I ran out of work in a panic (I realized that senior dinner started at 5, not 5:30…It was 4:50 and I was in paint clothes and had paint on me…I was dressed and clean and at dinner at 5). The dietician at the cafeteria hugged me after our last meeting this week. I have friends that I can call at any time and know that they will be there for me. I have friends who see me walking on campus and yell at me out their windows just because. I had an RA freshman year who would spend hours with me making snow toffee. Some of our best talks happened in that kitchen, stirring the toffee forever and ever (after I ate the toffee, serious conversation was pointless, but that’s another story). I had a Christian community that I could worship with at 9pm, 9am, 11am, 3am, 7:30am, 10pm…you get the picture. I had a friend who met with me every morning for the first half the semester just to pray and start our day with G-d. Another friend met with me Thursday evenings to talk about what we had been learning from G-d that week. Friends who would join me for Study Day Picnic on the floor of the cafeteria.

In my four years here I don’t think I have ever walked alone. That is something really special. It’s also something I’m scared to leave. I’ve become used to relying on the community here, to always having someone to call, always having someone to hug, always having someone to cry with or laugh with or pray with. I’ve become used to not having to stand on my own, but to be able to lean on those around me. I leave here Sunday. Many people have already left. I realized as I was typing this that I can’t go upstairs and do night-night hugs because there is no one to hug. I’m going to have to stand on my own. But even on my own, I know I’m not going to be alone. The community might not be so visible around me after I’m gone, but I know they will still be there for me. I can shoot off an e-mail, send a facebook message, make a skype call and there will be someone at the other end ready to keep walking with me. Most importantly though, I can fire off a prayer and know that my G-d always hears me and will never ever ever leave me. No matter how lonely I get, no matter how long it’s been since I’ve had a hug, G-d will always be there for me. Sometime, when I’m stressing and feeling down and alone, someone remind me of this, okay? I’m forgetful…

Central, I’m gonna miss you. Thanks for taking such good care of me these last four years.  May the Lord bless you and keep you.  May he make his face shine upon you and give you peace.  May he turn his face towards you and be gracious to you.

Remembering how to fly

I flew tonight and it was amazing.  I'd forgotten what it felt like to have wings on my feet.  After Dutch Dance street practice I was not ready to settle in for homework.  I'm two papers and one final away from graduating...motivation is at an all time low.  The sun had already started to set and my computer told me the temperatures were in the 70s (20s).  I decided to grab my bike (and some fluids) and head out and see if I could catch the tail end of the sunset. I told my whiteboard where I was going and when I'd be back and I took off.

I missed most the sunset because there was lots of low lying cloud cover.  Did see some pretty spiffy sun beams though:

When I hit one mile hill I just stopped pedaling and let gravity take over.  It was incredible.  The last time I was out on my bike the temperatures were just above freezing and there was snow and ice on the trails so I had to take it slow.  Not tonight. Tonight I was flying.  I felt the wind in my face, the music pumping through my ears...such incredible freedom.  It was just me and Jesus out there tonight and it was amazing. 

I didn't ride all the way to the dam tonight becuase I got a late start.  When about half my alotted time was up I turned around and headed back to campus.  I didn't think it was possible, but coming back was even better than going out.  I was half way up one mile hill before I realized I was on the hill...I ususally don't make it up the hill in one go...I hit a rythmn and just kept going.  My legs burned, my heart hurt, my lungs were gasping for air (maybe not taking my asthma medication for 1-2 weeks was a poor choice), but I was riding free and I loved it.  Pella, I'm going to miss your bike trails.  I'm going to miss flying...it just doesn't work so well on loose gravel.

The verse that came to mind while I was flying:

"but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
Isa 40:31

Oh, by the way, I graduate next week Saturday! (May 15)

3 weeks

(from facebook, click "view original post" to see rest the note)
It's a weird feeling.  In about 3 weeks, I will be done here. I have about 20 classes left (provided I counted properly and included the right cancellations and meetings), 3 or 4 finals (depending how you count them and which classes actually have finals), 2 out of class papers, and 1 presentation left to go. And 200-300 pages of readings for classes left to do.  Then I graduate.
Am I ready?  yes and no.
Part of me is ready to be done with this part of my education, but the most of me is not ready to leave.  If you had asked me four years ago, while I was still finishing high school and prepping to go back to Germany for the summer, if Pella would become home and Central my family, the answer would have been "no way". and the answer would have been wrong.   If you had asked me the same question even the first week I was here, the answer would have been the same.  I cried my first night here.  If you asked me now, the answer would "yes!"
During my first three years here I think I questioned every year whether or not this is where I was supposed to be, and at various times may have even seriously looked at other schools, closer to home.  I'm glad I stayed here. G-d has done such incredible things in my four years here and I have been so blessed.  Yes there have been rough times. Times so rough that I jsut wanted to quit school and go home, but G-d has blessed me so abudantly.  Within the first little time here He provided me with an incredible network of supportive friends.  Friends who went above and beyond to be there for me, no matter how difficult I was (and I was difficult at times) and even though many of that first group have graduated, there has still been an incredible group of people surrounding me and supporting me.
This year when I came to campus I had no intention of seeking out new relationships.  If I did, it would just be harder to leave.  G-d had other plans.  The people he has brought into my life this year, people I did not know before, have been incredible.  Walking with them, having them walk with me, goofing off with them, playing badminton with them at midnight, hugging them, crying with them, rejoicing with them...all of it has made this year a richer expereince.
I have three weeks left.  I can't even begin to imagine how incredible those three weeks are going to be.  I have some plans in place for them (a cloning event, dutch dancing, picnics of multiple sorts, etc), but I'm sure there are things that will happen that I never even imagined.
3 weeks here, home for the summer, and then off to Western, in  Holland, MI.  Will Western become home and family to me?  No way! ;)

The picture really has nothing to do with my note...it was just a cool picture I took yesterday.  I ike the water drops on the tulip.