My Bread, Their Bread

Every Friday I celebrate communion with 4-year old M.  M is well aware of the importance of communion and can even say most of the words of institution.  Every Friday during chapel at seminary she sits on my lap.  During the singing and the meditation she wiggles a little bit and plays with my medic alert necklace and the ring I wear around my neck, but when the Great Prayer of Thanksgiving starts, she is all eyes and ears.  She starts to quiver with excitement as she mouths the words of institution along with the pastor who is presiding that week.  As we wait our turn to go forward to receive the elements, I review with her why we take communion and what the bread and the juice represent.  She knows the answers. And then comes the most awkward question of all: my bread, or the other bread?
Here at WTS we have two offerings for communion bread - there are two beautiful loaves of challah bread and then a little plate of gluten free communion wafers.  When the pastor is doing the words of institution, it is the challah that he or she picks up and breaks.  It is the challah that is held up for everyone to see.   In fact, the little plate of gluten free wafers is not picked up or touched at all.  In all honesty, I'm glad that the gluten free wafers aren't handled, especially after the egg-coated challah is handled.  That would quickly become an allergy nightmare and instead of celebrating with M I 'd be being rushed to the hospital (egg causes swelling in me upon contact.  We haven't challenged it with ingestion, but it would not be good).  But the two bread communion leads to a little bit of theological unrest and no small amount of confusion for the littlest of our brothers and sisters.
Today, when I asked M if she wanted my bread or the other bread, she very seriously told me that "the other bread' (my bread) wasn't really bread, just crackers.  She put into words, the words I hated to think.  That somehow, my bread, the GF wafers were separate.  I know cognitively they are not.   They are just as much the body of Christ as the challah is.  However, there is a degree of separateness when we have two communion breads.
I wish we could all be united in communion.  So far, it's happened once.  I cried that day, the day when we all took gluten free communion together.  I wish it could happen more.  Because that would be wonderful and then I wouldn't have to ask M which bread she wanted.

Filling in the Blanks

When you hear like I do,  you are constantly filling in the blanks.  And when you’ve been hearing like I hear for as long as I have, you get pretty good at filling in the blanks.  Let me explain…

There are many word pairs that sound very similar to me/my brain.  For example:

loom – wound

lettuce – let us

send forth – send forks

scrolls – squirrels

Irenaeus (theologian) – urine on us

affect – effect

she – he

pants – dance

hooks – books

redress – regress

let – led

gun – done

This is just a quick list - things that have tripped me up in the last week or so.  At first glance, the words on that list look different enough from each other in meaning that it would be difficult to confuse them. But take a sentence like this, which I actually heard this week.  It was said by my mom, in reference to my 13 year old brother, who is rather accident prone (he doesn’t always think things all the way through) and who also weaves on a table top loom.

“I need to go help him redress/regress his loom/wound because it’s become un***n” (***  represent that I missed part of a word and had to fill in).  

I may have missed more than that, but don’t remember because the words were easy to fill in.  For example, I don’t think I heard all of the “him” or the “his” but they were easy to fill in because I knew she was talking about Isaac.  Based on what I heard/didn’t hear, I could have filled in the blanks in multiple ways, more than one of which made sense:

…redress his loom because it’s become undone

…redress his wound because it’s become undone

…redress his loom because it’s become uneven

...redress his wound because it’s become uneven

…regress his loom because it’s become undone

…regress his wound because it’s become undone

…regress his loom because it’s become uneven

...regress his wound because it’s become uneven

All of the options containing “regress” could be dropped quickly.  The word “regress” just didn’t make sense with the other words my brain tried to put in the sentence.  That still left me with four sentence options that made wonderful amounts of sense, but warranted two very different responses!

…redress his loom because it’s become undone

…redress his wound because it’s become undone

…redress his loom because it’s become uneven

...redress his wound because it’s become uneven

…regress his loom because it’s become undone

…regress his wound because it’s become undone

…regress his loom because it’s become uneven

...regress his wound because it’s become uneven

Had Isaac hurt himself or was his weaving project in jeopardy?

Acknowledging that I couldn’t fill in the blanks on my own and asking more questions led to the conclusion that Isaac was fine, his weaving on the loom had become uneven and she had to help him make it even again.

8 options for 1 sentence.  After my own work, 4 options for the 1 sentence.   For me, this is not unusual.  This is a part of my everyday life.  Every time I take in information using my ears, with or without the benefit of speech reading, I have to fill in blanks.

As frustrating and as confusing as this often is it is also a blessing.  I have a friend with a very similar hearing loss to me (different cause, similar results) and see agrees with both the frustrations and the blessings.

We are used to filling in the blanks.  This is great when you are learning a new language.  Because we are used to not hearing every word, when we try to learn a new language we don’t get upset about missing a word or two.  Of course, this has its downfalls too because we don’t always pay attention to the details such as gender and case (we miss most of them in our first language, why should we worry about small details such as gender and case?!?!). Naturally, once you get passed the beginning stages of a language, this becomes a problem.

Honestly there was no huge point to this post.  Just thought maybe someone would be interested in what it’s like to hear like me, so maybe you can understand why I sometimes ask questions that make no sense or respond inappropriately.  Cuz sometimes, I fill in the blanks wrong.

Weathering the Storms of Life

Those who know me best, know that I've been in a bit of a stormy time lately. Nothing overly bad per se has happened directly to me (the world around me is constantly full of tragedy), just a lot of unrest.  I'm sure my parents would testify to that...they probably got more phone calls from me in the last week or so than they get in two to three weeks when things are going well.
I've moved to more a place of peace now.  Not everything is solved and there is still a lot of unknowns (nothing has really changed as far as what I know or don't know about what comes), but I'm more at peace about what I don't know.  I'm going to plant some tulips on Saturday (I have to buy tulip bulbs at market before I can plant them).
As I was going through some old files other night, looking for something, I stumbled across this prayer that I had marked as coming from Thomas a Kempis.  In my original note, I'd notes that I had no idea who he was or what he'd done except that he was an important dead guy (he had to be important, he was in a textbook).  For those of you who care, he was a monk who lived a long time ago (died in the 1400's).
Anywho, I wanted to share this prayer with all of you.  Right now, it's giving me a lot of comfort.

"Lord, I know that you sometimes permit

trouble and temptation to come to me.

I cannot escape them

but, driven by my need,

I must come to you for help

that you may work this out for my good.

O G-d, I feel uneasy and depressed

because of this present trouble.

I feel trapped on every side,

yet I know I have come to this hour,

so that I may learn that you alone

can free me from this predicament.

Lord, deliver me,

for what can I do without you,

helpless as I am?

Lord give me patience in all my troubles.

Help me, and I will not be afraid,

no matter how discouraged I may be.

Let me bear this trouble patiently

until the storm has passed

and my heart is calm again.

Your power, Lord, can take this trouble from me,

as you have done many times before.

No matter how hard it is for me,

it is easy for you, O Lord."

Why plant tulips?

Why plant tulips?
they take all winter.
i might not see them bloom
they are everywhere.
Why plant tulips?

Why plant tulips?
buried in the ground
doomed to die
threatened by the squirrels.
Why plant tulips?

Why plant tulips?
6 months, a year
2 at the most
then I move on.
Why plant tulips?

Why plant tulips?
pressing through the last glimmer of snow
waking up the world from its sleep
giving hope where there was none.
Why plant tulips?

Why plant tulips?
put down roots
not for you, but for the next
seek the peace and prosperity of where you are.
Why plant tulips?

Why not?

jep 25.10.11

inspired by Jeremiah 29

Tulip with dew, spring 2010, Pella, IA

Response to 180: An Interesting Can of Worms

I posted a video on my facebook profile the other day.  It was a share from a friend.  I encourage you to watch it.  Here is the link.  It is closed captioned for those of you who prefer captioned videos. Just don't watch it with small children in the room.  There are some graphic images in it from WWII.
Since I know most of you won't actually watch the video (it's a whole 33 minutes...that's a long time to commit to any task!), I'll summarize what the main thrust of the video was supposed to be.  Basically it was comparing the Holocaust during WWII to abortion in North America and the number of babies that are legally killed.  It talks about morality and heaven and hell and salvation as well, but those weren't the intended main thrusts.  The abortion issue was and how many people were oblivious to the Holocaust as it was happening, and how it happened because Hitler started with little steps and led the entire people astray.  It ended with a political push not to vote for leaders who are in favor of legalizing abortion.
When I reposted to my profile, I added the comment: "A friend posted it and I watched it (it's captioned). I agree with much of what was said, but I struggled a bit with the political push it had. I am pro-life. There's no doubt about that, but I'm not sure I approve of single issue voting. There's always so much more to a politician's platform than whether they are pro-life or pro-choice. When voting, we need to look at the whole, not just a part."

Not surprisingly I received some push-back from friends, mostly centered on my resistance to single issue voting. If you're super interested in the whole conversation and how it developed, let me know and I'll get it to you (minus names) or check it out on my FB page.
The final back and forth on it went like this:
 ME: ...A law cannot dictate behavior. Sexual abuse is illegal. It has been dictated as illegal for years, yet recent statistics show that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys is sexual abused before the age of 18...in this case there is a law dictating that something is bad and illegal, yet it doesn't stop it from happening.
Will a law end abortion? or will it take more education from the bottom up?
FRIEND: Does it matter if the law ended abortion or not? Are you saying you'd vote for someone who would legalize sexual abuse, child abuse, and rape? I mean, as long as they stood for something else that was "more" important? Is it fine since it would happen anyway? Why not make abortion illegal and then on top of that work with those who illegally still choose abortion. Wouldn't it be easier to let people know it's a problem if the nation even thinks so? How would you convince someone who is sexually abusing someone else that what they are doing is wrong if it's LEGAL? Isn't it hard enough already? Do you see what I"m saying? Or, when you pray to end abortion do you say ..."Dear Lord, please let abortion stop even as I am about to vote for someone who is for it." ?
ME: ... I also feel like we are possibly talking past each other, not actually hearing what the other is saying. I never actually said that I would vote for someone who wanted to legalize abortion. I also never said I wouldn't. I said that I'm not a fan of single issue voting and that it would take a lot of prayer and discernment. That applies to any type of voting, whether abortion is on the docket or not.
Abortion is not the only issue facing our nation today. There are lots of them. Who am I to judge what sin is worse than another? Murder is a sin, according to the ten commandments. Should it be illegal? I think so. Lying is also a sin. Are we going to legislate it as illegal to? What about coveting? Failing to honor the Sabbath? Dishonoring our parents? Is murder a worse sin than the others?
I stand a sinner condemned. Am I guilty of murder? According to the words of Heidelberg Catechism, which is based on scripture, yes. (Q&A 105, 106, 107) I am I proud of this? no. Am I cleansed by the blood of Christ and do I stand anew in His presence? yes.
Abortion is wrong. I never said it was right or okay. I never said I supported it. I simply said that I'm not a fan of single issue voting and that any voting I do will be the product of lots of prayer and discernment for all the issues involved, not just a single issue.

Thus far that is where the conversation ended.  I'm not sure if that is good or bad, since I really didn't want to get into an all out argument with my friends, but I can't agree to single issue voting.
Later another friend posted these two quotes in her status:
"We should not look to the state to compel women to complete, nor allow them to terminate, a pregnancy. Rather, God calls us to be our own people and our community - to witness to the world's scandal, to love and bind up those harmed by its values. If the energy now being poured into attempts to affect Supreme Court decisions were dedicated to establishing viable alternatives to abortion and substantive support and long-range care for victimized women, "unwanted" children, and families struggling with poverty, mental illness, and domestic violence, perhaps we would begin to see Christian community being born in our midst-a light to the nations and a sure refuge for these needy ones." - William Durland
and
 "We need to stop telling our non-believing neighbors how wrong their way of life is, and we need to start showing the power of the gospel in the way we live....Let me ask you: Which as greater power? Ten thousand people who fills the streets in front of abortion clinics and shame those seeking abortions, or ten thousand people in California who take to the state capital a petition they have signed stating they will take any unwanted child of any age, any color, any physical condition so that they can love that child in the name of Jesus Christ?" - Bill Tibert

Both of them succinctly sum up what I was trying to say. And since both these quotes were in a book, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that they have a little more authority than I do.

It's an interesting can of worms.  What are your thoughts? (all opinions will be respected, not all will be agreed with.  Any disrespectful comment will be deleted.)

Listening Prayer (Prayer Request)

When I was still at Central, about every two weeks or so we had an "event" where we would meet to engage in listening prayer for each other. It probably happened more often in less formal settings, but I was only there on Saturdays.  On the off weeks we'd meet and receive a teaching.
In listening prayer, we'd circle up around someone, often laying hands on them, and ask G-d for a word for them. One of the neatest things about praying in this way is that we didn't know subjectively what the person needed, sometimes we didn't even know who the person was.  We didn't ask for prayer requests, just that G-d would show us what the person in the center needed.  People would get words or pictures or song lyrics, anything really.  To the person getting it directly from G-d, it often felt random and out of place, but when shared with the person in the center, it usually was exactly what they needed to hear - not always, sometimes it was just "bad pizza", so there was always a process of discernment involved for the person that the "message" was for (the person in the center).
I liked it not only because I received a lot of powerful words from G-d, and got to be part of speaking truth into other people's lives, but because when we prayed in this way, we could be reasonably sure that what others were hearing from G-d on our behalf was not a creation of our own mind.

I'm human.  I know what I want to hear from G-d. It's just how it is.  Even when I try to listen well to G-d, I always am stuck in the place trying to sort out if what I heard from G-d was actually from G-d or if it was a creation of my very powerful imagination trying to keep me happy.  Maybe you know what this is like too, since I'm guessing that you are indeed human and know what you want too.

Right now I'm in a place where I could really use some people to engage in listening prayer on my behalf.  I know what I want to hear from G-d.  I know what I think I've heard from G-d, but I don't know if what I think I've heard is really from G-d, or if it's my subconscious trying to keep me happy.  Can you listen to G-d on my behalf?  Listen hard and intentionally and share with me what he tells you, even if it seems completely random to you?
I'm purposely not saying what I'm trying to figure out/what area of my life I really need to hear from G-d in right now, because if I do, then the temptation is there for you to try and figure out what I want to hear or what you think is best for me to hear, even if you don't mean to.  I want to avoid that.  So please, pray for me and let me know what G-d tells you.  It would seriously mean a ton to me. In the meantime, I'll keep trying to discern if what I'm hearing is from G-d, "bad pizza" or my own imagination. 


If you don't want to post what you hear in the comments, let me know and I'll tell you other ways to reach me.  Or just use one of the other ways that you already know. :)

The "What-If" Game

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been playing the “what if” game.  I played it as a child and I play now as a grown-up of sorts.

There are different kinds of what-ifs, some healthier than others.

Firstly, there are the ones that simply cause more anxiety:

What if the neighborhood cougar eats me when I take the compost out?  (although the neighborhood cougar was very real, it never attacked a human.  He preferred sheep and chickens)

What if it snows so much that we can’t get home from school? (at least once we were sent home early to avoid this)

What if Mommy gets in a car accident because the weather is so horrible and she doesn’t come home from work? (she worked homecare in a rural setting.  The weather was often very horrible at night)

The anxiety causing ones are typically things that are well beyond our control and we can do little to nothing to prepare for them.

Then there are the what-ifs that lead to being prepared:

What if instead of being sunny on our campout it rains? (hint: pack rain gear)

What if there is a fire in the building I’m in? (hint: know your exits)

What if I get stuck in traffic with 13 little girls in the back of the van? (true  story.  Hint: sing songs and make up games)

What if my Kingdom Kids finish their craft in 5 minutes instead of 15?  (hint: always overplan)

What if our trip takes a day longer than planned? (hint: bring extra underwear and extra medication)

What if we come upon a car accident while we are driving? (hint: keep your first aid training up to date and carry a first aid kit in the car)

What if I'm hungry before I get home? (hint: always bring a snack!)

There are some what-ifs that are more likely than others:

“What if I get kidnapped?” is a much less likely scenario than “What if I get hit by a car on my way to school?” (some mornings my eyes are barely open as I cross the street to school)

“What if I forget that it’s my Sunday to do liturgy?” is much more likely to happen than “What if I forget the way to church?” (It’s been a year, it involves no more than 3 turns and one of them is a forced turn)

“What if I forget to comb my hair?” is much more likely than “what if I forget to get dressed before going to class?”

Then there are the really fun what-ifs, the ones that let you play with the future and explore different ideas:

What if I decide not to go on my J-term trip?

What if I don’t turn in my credo paper on time?

What if I decide to stop going to school for a while and instead get a real job?

What if he actually loves me instead of just likes me?

What if I dye my hair purple?

What if I move to a different state?

What if I switch to distance learning?

What if I decide to get my nose pierced?

What if I find out I can’t have children?

What if I could find all the people who ever made me angry and beat them with a wet noodle?

What if the seizures never go away?

What if I could stop worrying about what people think about me?

What if this is my last day on earth?

The last list is by no means complete and not all of them are necessarily happy or serious.  They just are.  In one of my classes this semester, Play in Life and Ministry, we’ve been reading about creativity and how playing the “what-if” game can actually be healthy.  It helps you see outside of the normal bounds of society.  It gives you the freedom to look beyond what is immediate and play with the concepts of time and the future.  Of course, some what-ifs are just plain worrisome and should not be played with (see the first list).

So how do you play with the future and time? How do you relieve your stress by playing with your imagination?  What are some of your what-ifs?