Sunday, February 06, 2011

Psalm 13

This is a blog post that I really don't know how to write.
Less than a week ago I put up a post rejoicing in 50 seizure free days.  I'd begun to hope that my battle with seizures was over.  I'd imagined what it would be like to drive, how it would feel to apply for a job without having to disclose that I had seizures, what it would be like to go to the pool without having to warn the lifeguards that I had a seizure disorder, what my med-alert bracelet would say without the word "seizures" on it.  I was living in a state of guarded freedom, enjoying going to class without having seizures that disrupt everyone.
Until last night.
I was having dinner with my roommate when the pre-seizure hit.  We moved to the living room where it was safer, if it came.  We were crying and praying, begging G-d not to let it come.  It came anyways.  We cried more after. It had been 55 days.  55 wonderful days of seizure free-ness.
I don't understand why I had a seizure last night.  I don't understand why this isn't over like I thought it was.  I don't even understand how I feel right now.  I do know though that I am grateful for everyone who has been and is continuing to pray for me (I apparently sent a text message out while I was regaining consciousness). I am also grateful that I serve a G-d who is big enough to take my anger and hurt and that I belong to a faith tradition that has room for anger at G-d.  We even have models of how to do it well in the Psalms and the book of Job.  A friend, who understands just how much it sucks to have seizures, sent me this song today.  It's called "How Long O Lord" and is a musical version of Psalm 13.  It echoes pretty close how I'm feeling today.  I'm not quite as good as David at getting to the trusting in unfailing love and rejoicing part, but it will come.  I haven't come this far for it not to come.  Here's the song:
"How Long O Lord"
The captioning isn't great, so here is a link to the lyrics:  Lyrics to "How Long O Lord" (or look in your Bible. It's Psalm 13.)

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