The Music

Any special day needs special music.  Over the last few weeks I've been putting together a list of 100 songs that are "Yeah Jesus" type songs.  I ended up with a couple more than 100, so I relegated some of them to the 150 song list (I'm being optimistic).  I found videos for some of them, but not all of them because that would have taken a really long time.  Every song has a reason why it made this list. Here's the list for anyone who cares:

Alive by P.O.D.
All Around the World by Hillsong
Amazing Grace (My chains are gone) by Chris Tomlin
Ancient Words by Michael Smith
Another Hallelujah by Lincoln Brewster
Arms that Hold the Universe by Fee
Beautiful Things by Gungor
Blessed Be your Name by Tree63
Blessings Song by Jules Riding
Blessings by Laura Story
The Blood Song by Kirk Franklin
Breathing Life by Salvador
By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North
Carry Me by Audrey Assad
Covered By the Blood by the Rabbit Easter Band
Cry of the Broken by Hillsong Live
Desert Song by Hillsong United
Dry Bones by Gungor
Forever Reign bye Hillong Live
The Freedom We Know by Hillsong
Get Outta my Life by Carman
Give Me Your Hand by Ray Boltz
Glory to G-d Forever by Fee
G-d is Able by Hillsong Live
G-d is Great by Hillsong
G-d is in Control by Twila Paris
G-d of the City by Chris Tomlin
G-d you are my G-d by Delirious
The Great I Am by Anointed
Great I Am by New Life Worship
Hallelujah (Your Love is Amazing) by Brian Doerksen
Happy Song by Delirious
He Reigns by Newsboys
Healing by Ashley Beck
Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North
Healing Hand of G-d by Jeremy Camp
Here I am to Worship by Michael Smith
Here with me Now by Laura Hackett
How Can I Tell by Sara Groves
How Great Is our G-d by Chris Tomlin
Hurricane Song (How He Loves) by David Crowder Band
I'm Not Backing Down by unknown
I could sing of your love forever by Daywind Music Studios
I Need You by The Swift
I will Lift my Eyes by Bebo Norman
Indescribable by Laura Story

Invade by Watermark
It's all about You by no artist
It's Done by steve easter, stan dailey, brad walker
Jesus Paid It All by Kristian Stanfill
Joy by Newsboys
Joyful, Joyful by Laura Hackett
Justified by According To John
Lamb Of G-d by Marty Goetz
Lift Me Up by The Afters
Light Up the Sky by The Afters
Lord I Lift Your Name On High by Sonicflood
Magnificent Obsession by Steven Curtis Chapman
Mighty to Save  by Hillsong
More by Matthew West
My Heart Is Overwhelmed by Hillsong Live
My Savior's Love by Maranatha! Music
No Monsters by Carman
O Praise Him (All This For A King) by David Crowder
One Pure & Holy Passion  by Jenn Weber
Ordinary Man, Extraordinary G-d - Sing To The Lord by David
Our G-d by Chris Tomlin
Overcome by Desperation Band
He is Exalted by Robin Mark
Please Be My Strength by Gungor
Please Rain Down by Rick Goad
Redeemed by Joslin Grove Choral Society
Rescue by Newsboys
Safe by Phil Wickham
Send Your Mighty Power by Rick Goad
Serve the Lord by Carman
Shackles (Praise You) by Mary Mary
Shout Unto G_d by Hillsong United
Sing, Sing, Sing by Chris Tomlin
So Good to Me by Darrell Evans/Matt Jones
Song Of Hope (Heaven Come Down) by Robbie Seay Band
Stronger by Mandisa
Stronger by Hillsong Live
Thank You for the Blood  by Matt Redman
Thank You Lord by Paul Baloche
There Is Power In The Blood by Joslin Grove Choral Society
This Good Day by Fernando Ortega
Trading My Sorrows  by Darrell Evans
True Love  by Phil Wickham
Undignified by David Crowder Band
Who Am I by Casting Crowns
Wonderful Maker by Jeremy Camp
Wonderful, Merciful Saviour by Selah
Wondrous Love by Jadon Lavik
You're Beautiful by Phil Wickham
You Are by Tenth Avenue North
You Never Let Go by Matt Redman
Your Love Is Extravagant by Casting Crowns
Your Love Is Strong by Jon Foreman
7 Ways 2 Praise by Carman

Fun fact:  This play list is 7.3 hours long.

A2CW: Addicted to Christian Weed

Do you ever start to think about something and then think about something else and eventually end up right back where you started?  That’s a spruce loop.  Some people might call it rabbit trail, but spruce loop is the far better term.   Besides, spruce trees smell better than rabbit poop any day of the week.

Anyhow, we were driving home from some place the other day and I was thinking about a particular time in which I’d gotten lost.  It was a time when I really ought to have known my way, but because of the state my brain was in during that period of my life and because I’d taken some prescription medication that exacerbated the condition, I was in no position to give even the simplest directions (think drunk and high). Anyhow, while I was thinking about that event my brain stumbled upon another event from close to the same time period in my life...

It feels like half a lifetime ago, though in reality it was only about 7 or 8 years ago or so, so about a third of my lifetime ago really.  I hung out with some pretty awesome people that summer.  And by pretty awesome, I mean super awesome.  I don’t know where all of them are now, and that makes me sad, but so goes life. I miss them though and think of them all often.  The ones I have stayed in touch with are mostly married now and some even have children of their own.  There are a few of us left that I know of who are still single.  Often, I wish we could go back to that summer, share what we shared then.

Life was in many ways easier then. We dealt with some pretty crazy stuff that summer, but now, looking back, it seems like such little things compared to all that has happened since then.  That summer, I hadn’t yet learned how to deal with a high school student who was suicidal.  My struggle with an eating disorder and depression hadn’t quite begun yet, though it did follow not overly long afterwards.  I didn’t have a clue what life with seizures was like.  I had no idea what feelings would run through my mind when a doctor would tell me that I was potentially terminal (he was wrong by the way). The struggles we had, although they seemed major then, and some of them were fairly major, all shrink in comparison to everything that has happened since then (and there is a whole bunch I’m not sharing in this public of a forum).  And that’s okay.  That’s not was this is about.  Just a bit of explanation as to why that summer feels like half a lifetime ago.  Think of it has a mini spruce loop.

That summer I was introduced to Christian Weed.  In fact, of the many quotes that graced our quote board (which I almost want to pull out and read, but it’s packed away and I’m tired), one of the few I can remember right now, off the top of my head, is “A2CW” which stood for “Addicted to Christian Weed”.  (The other one I can remember is “Jesus thinks you’re cool” or JTYC), and that is what I began thinking about as I thought about being lost - Christian Weed.

Christian Weed was how we referred to that feeling we got after an all night prayer vigil or a spontaneous session of worship or a time of intense prayer.  It was that feeling of being so filled with the spirit that it overflowed and bubbled out of us, making us laugh uncontrollably or jump and sing with complete abandon, the joy of the Lord that made us completely undignified before our King. That feeling was so addicting, our hunger for the Lord was so strong, that we would do whatever it took to get back to that place and stay in it.  Although there was nothing wrong with that, in fact, there was so much good about it, I wonder though, if maybe perhaps we were a little misguided.

We were addicted to Christian weed. We were searching for one spiritual high after another, always trying to experience that again.  But, like with any drug, no high is ever as high as the first one.  Perhaps it would have been better if we were truly addicted to Jesus, not just to Christian weed.  I’m not saying we weren’t addicted to Jesus, for there is no doubt in my mind that we were all crazy about Jesus.  Our addiction to Jesus is what led us to Christian weed in the first place (Does that make Jesus a gateway drug?), but somehow I think our focus, or at least mine, got shifted away from Jesus and more to towards Christian weed and the feelings that went with worshiping Jesus.  The problem with that is, feelings aren’t always reliable.  When depression took over (and nearly took) my life shortly thereafter, I couldn’t get that high.  No matter how hard I sought it, I couldn’t get the Jesus high.  I couldn’t get high about anything.  I could seek that high all I wanted, but I could never get there.  Instead of seeking Jesus and longing for him, I longed for Christian weed. 

Now, even though my fight with depression has been mostly won (every now and then it rears its ugly head), that habit is sometimes still there.  Sometimes I still find myself longing for a hit of Christian weed.  I search long and hard after it, instead of searching long and hard after Jesus, the only one who can really give me that high.

I don’t blame anyone for that habit.  In fact, I think I have learned a lot from it.  I also cannot say that everyone from that summer had the same experience.  Even though we were all in the same place, we didn’t necessarily have the same experience.  My experience is valid only for me.

Which brings me full circle to where I started.  Sometimes, my brain loses focus and I get lost.  I start searching for what I want instead of what I know I need.  It’s simple, something I’ve known for a long time, but I still can’t always remember it.  The time I was remembering about getting lost (the story at the very beginning of this post) was when I was trying to give someone directions from my high school to home.  I should have known that.  I had known it for a long time, but because my brain was on a binge, I couldn’t do it.  

When my brain and spirit long after a hit of Christian weed I forget that all I really need to do is turn to Jesus and long after him instead.  In the end, He’ll be better than any hit and He will keep me from getting lost. And even when I do get lost, He'll still be there to guide me back to the right path, to get me home even when  I can no longer help myself.

Perhaps it's time to say goodbye to Christian weed and figure out some sort of catchy slogan that communicates an addiction to Jesus instead of to feelings.

And perhaps it is also time to conclude this particular spruce loop.

Soundtrack of my day

Right from the moment I woke up today, this song has been running through my head.  Not a modern remix of it, but the good old fashioned words sung with an organ.  I've marked some of the words that have stuck out to me the most (ie, have run through my head the most times)

Christ the Solid Rock
My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus' name.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

His oath, His covenant, and blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When every earthly prop gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found,
Clothed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne!
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

To The Moon

The other night I was sitting on the edge of my bed folding my laundry (random laundry note:  I enjoy laundry much more when I get to hang it on the clothesline) and listening to music - a wonderful mix of JJ Heller, Tenth Avenue North, and Sara Groves (and a few other of my favorite songs).  I was half listening to the music, half musing to myself about the sermon I'm going to be writing soon (I'm preaching in lab on Tuesday and then in church on March 13), half thinking about the fact that I should maybe get some bleach for my hankies (bloody noses to wonderful things to white hankies), and half thinking about how wonderful my bed was going to feel with fresh sheets on it (there is always something special about the first night on clean sheets), when a Sara song caught my ear. I had recently gotten some new Sara music from a friend, so I'm not completely familiar with all of it yet.  By the time my brain realized it was supposed to be paying attention to this song because it was new (my brain was tired, attention shifting was slower than usual) the song was at then end of the second verse and the first words I consciously remember were "Here at our church on the moon".  This caused me to pause and listen...Church on the moon?  As far as I know, we do not have any churches on the moon yet.  What was going on?  I "rewound" the song to the beginning and listened again.  It was indeed, from what I could hear, about a church on the moon.  I was having some trouble making out the some of the words so I abandoned my laundry folding and went to my computer and googled the lyrics.  This is what I found:

"It was there in the bulletin 
We're leaving soon
After the bake sale to raise funds for fuel
The rocket is ready and we're going to
Take our church to the moon

There'll be no one there to tell us we're odd
No one to change our opinions of God
Just lots of rocks and this dusty sod
Here at our church on the moon

We know our liberties we know our rights
We know how to fight a very good fight
Just get that last bag there and turn out the light
We're taking our church to the moon
We're taking our church to the moon
We'll be leaving soon"
(Sara Groves, "To the Moon", link to the audio, not captioned)


After listening to it a few more times and reading the lyrics I started to reflect on what it was saying about the church and it almost made me angry. The anger came because I realized how accurately the lyrics reflected the state of many churches today. Being the church can be hard.  Sometimes we are in hard situations, sometimes people call us odd.   Things get tough.  Maybe the neighborhood that our church is in under-goes some major changes, maybe people stop coming, maybe the congregation ages...the list of possibilities are endless.  
When faced with these tough times, the church, just like anyone faced with a hard time, has two choices.  They can stick it out or they can take off.   I see the church too often taking the latter option.  Maybe part of the congregation is having a disagreement.  Often, this will lead to a split, and a new church, born out of the fracture. Sometimes even a new denomination is born and the hostility continues for generations. Sometimes a church will just pick up and move to a new location to escape a changing neighborhood. 


Sara's lyrics are a little extreme, but they speak truth, and that saddens me.  As far as I know, a church has yet to go to the moon, but a church that moves out of a changing neighborhood is just as inaccessible to the hurting people who need it as a church on the moon would be.
Instead of moving out, instead of ensuring that our churches stay sterile and the way we like them, instead of fighting to keep our beliefs from being challenged, instead of hiding away so no one will call us strange, what would happen if we stayed put?  And not just stayed put, but started reaching out to those in our communities, putting ourselves in a position to be challenged and be called odd?  Maybe then, we would see growth in the church.  
It's time to come back from the moon.

Psalm 13

This is a blog post that I really don't know how to write.
Less than a week ago I put up a post rejoicing in 50 seizure free days.  I'd begun to hope that my battle with seizures was over.  I'd imagined what it would be like to drive, how it would feel to apply for a job without having to disclose that I had seizures, what it would be like to go to the pool without having to warn the lifeguards that I had a seizure disorder, what my med-alert bracelet would say without the word "seizures" on it.  I was living in a state of guarded freedom, enjoying going to class without having seizures that disrupt everyone.
Until last night.
I was having dinner with my roommate when the pre-seizure hit.  We moved to the living room where it was safer, if it came.  We were crying and praying, begging G-d not to let it come.  It came anyways.  We cried more after. It had been 55 days.  55 wonderful days of seizure free-ness.
I don't understand why I had a seizure last night.  I don't understand why this isn't over like I thought it was.  I don't even understand how I feel right now.  I do know though that I am grateful for everyone who has been and is continuing to pray for me (I apparently sent a text message out while I was regaining consciousness). I am also grateful that I serve a G-d who is big enough to take my anger and hurt and that I belong to a faith tradition that has room for anger at G-d.  We even have models of how to do it well in the Psalms and the book of Job.  A friend, who understands just how much it sucks to have seizures, sent me this song today.  It's called "How Long O Lord" and is a musical version of Psalm 13.  It echoes pretty close how I'm feeling today.  I'm not quite as good as David at getting to the trusting in unfailing love and rejoicing part, but it will come.  I haven't come this far for it not to come.  Here's the song:
"How Long O Lord"
The captioning isn't great, so here is a link to the lyrics:  Lyrics to "How Long O Lord" (or look in your Bible. It's Psalm 13.)

Old Ladies Who Pray

A couple weeks ago, in a setting which is not important, I heard someone say "G-d listens to old ladies who pray".  After some good natured teasing (I had a birthday coming up, so somehow I was perceived as "old"), I stopped to think about it some more.  It had been said in jest, but maybe there was some truth in it.  G-d  does listen to old ladies who pray. Think about some of the old ladies in your life and some of the prayers that they have been prayed that have been answered.  If your experience bears any similarity to mine, you will find that the prayers of old ladies are answered. What is it about old ladies that causes G-d to answer their prayers? 
Is it just because they are old and G-d listens to them out of respect for the years they have served Him, the time they have put in on this broken earth or is there something more to it?  Perhaps it is because our grandmothers grew up believing that G-d would answer their prayers.  Our faith has become watered down.  

When we pray we are fond of saying "If it be your will…."  I'm not sure this actually appears in the Bible, though there is likely a similar concept that has been pulled out of context (and I could be completely wrong on this). I mean, it's good to let G-d have His way, but if it was just about G-d having His way, there would be no purpose to our praying.  Check out these verse from Matthew 18: 18-20:

 "Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, truly I tell you, if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them."

Go ahead and read it again.  This isn't suggesting an "if it be your will let Grandpa get better" kind of prayer, but a kind of prayer that claims healing, a prayer that acknowledges the power that we have as believes.  "whatever we bind on hear will be bound in heaven".  What would happen if G-d's people really started praying in faith?  What kind of radical changes would our world see?  

Over the summer a dear friend of mine sent me a magazine article called "Diagnosis Cancelled".  It appears to have come from a magazine called "Gospel Truth", from the spring and summer 2010 edition.  Anyhow, the article tells of a husband and wife who discover that they are pregnant with an infant that, according to the ultrasound, has severe Down Syndrome and might not even survive being born due to deformities of his heart.  The parents refuse to accept this diagnosis.  This wasn't a case of denial, but a case of claiming the power they knew they had.  They refused to accept that their child had Down's.  The prayed and prayed and prayed, cancelling the diagnosis, refusing to let Satan poison them with doubt that their baby would not be healed.  Well, they went back for another ultrasound a time later and the ultrasound was clear.  The doctor didn't understand.  When the precious little one was born he was perfect.  There is a bit more to the story, but that's the gist of it.  They prayed in faith, the cancelled the diagnosis on earth and it was cancelled in heaven.  

Yes, sometimes G-d has plans that are beyond what we can comprehend.  Sometimes we pray earnestly for things and G-d choses to answer with a "no" instead of the "yes we had hoped for.  It's important to remember that He is still G-d and He is still sovereign, but that doesn't make us puppets.  If we truly seek the will of G-d and pray in faith, He will grant us the desires of our hearts (Ps. 37:4, James 5:13-20, esp 16b-18).

What would happen if G-d's people prayed in faith?  Casting Crowns sings: 

"What if the Church, for heaven's sake
Finally stepped up to the plate

Took a stand upon God's promise

And stormed hell's rusty gates"

What if? What if? What if?

And since I started this off with old ladies who pray, here is a song to finish it off, about a praying Grandma: Smooth Grandmama. (The video isn't captioned.  Here is a link to the lyrics)

Retreat, part 6: A Deeper Look

Spiritual retreats like the one I participated in last week provide an ideal time for growth.  The environment of a retreat setting is very fertile.  It is possible to "unplug" from the daily grind and focus in on areas you want to grow in.  Without e-mails to check or phone calls to answer or meals to cook or homework to do, you can devote all you attention towards G-d and spiritual disciplines.  After one particularly fruitful morning in the large chapel in the Mother house, I wrote this in my journal (one advantage of typing my journal is I can copy-paste when there are things I want to share) :

"If I were not reformed, I think I would  like to be a nun.  I just spent close to an hour in the big chapel, praying through part of psalm 19. [The link wasn't in my journal...I wrote out the section, but I wanted to save space here] It was so peaceful, so calm, so centering, just to go through that over and over again as I sat on my knees, my hands resting on the pew in front of me.  G-d is good, so very very good.  I feel like I could feast on His word all day.  I can't get enough. I just spent an hour with it, with one small paragraph, part of a Psalm, and yet I hunger for more.  The hunger in my heart for more of his word is as great as the hunger in my stomach for lunch.  I feel like a beggar who has stumbled on a feast, a feast she has known about the entire time but neglected to really enjoy, to really consume.  Now that I have sat at the table, I never want to leave it.  I don't want to go back to the lazy life of seminary, where I go to class and eat my meals and talk with my friends, but forget to really feast on the Word.  I grab a snack every now and then, even daily at time, but it is nothing compared to the feast that I had this morning."

When I wrote that I really meant it (okay, maybe not the part about being a nun...I want to get married and have children too badly for that to be a realistic possibility).  But I really meant it about feasting on the Word, about not wanting to go back to the "lazy life of seminary".  I sat to write this post today, I looked back over this last section of the week.  We got home from the retreat on Friday.  It's Wednesday.  My brain says that means I've been home for 5 or so days (it's been a long one). Saturday was a good day.  I started off with some good time in the Word.  Sunday was decent.  I got to worship with the body. Monday? yeah, not so much.  Tuesday? well, I did go to chapel.  Today? I taught Kingdom Kids the Christmas story, that must count for something...
Somewhere, between the retreat and real life, I lost my follow through.  It's harder to thrive, to really grow in the real world.  It was easy to commit to making time in the Word a bigger priority while I was at the retreat.  It was easier to practice spiritual disciplines while hanging out with a bunch of like-minded people at a convent.  It actually reminds me of a song (it's been awhile since I've put music up here). The song is by Casting Crowns and called "The Altar and the Door".   One line of the chorus goes "I try but this time, Jesus, how can I be sure I will not lose my follow through, between the altar and the door".  Full lyrics are here and this is YouTube video for those of you who would rather listen (it is captioned).
It's one of the reasons community is important.  The Church (as in the body of Christ, not the building where one worships) is what supports you and keeps you going between times. It's what holds you up when you don't have enough resolve to follow through on your own.  It's what calls you out when you start to slip back into old habits.
For me, that was one of the highlights of the retreat - getting to build new relationships and strengthen existing relationships. It meant some tough conversations, lots of stories, lots of laughs and even some tears.  But that is all part of a community that isn't going anywhere. A community that is going to be there through the highs and through the lows. 
And that my friends, concludes my immediate reflections on the spiritual disciplines retreat.

What's in a name?

As I talked with people at church Sunday morning before the service started, I was approached by someone who had known me for a long time.  We shook hands and he expressed how good it was to see me again (when I'm away at school I don't attend my home church.  I'm only there a couple Sundays total during the school year).  We made small talk for awhile and then he said "I hear you're called Joy now." (He, like most people at my home church, have known me only by the name my parents gave me, Joellen)  I explained to him that I had been called Joy ever since I left for college and that it was really only people at home who still called me Joellen. He smiled, winked at me and told me it fit me.
The exchange reminded me of something I had been thinking on for a few weeks. Names.  What is in a name?
In Old Testament class we had to learn a lot of names and people kept changing their names or having their names changed by G-d  and other people lived into their names providing irony of sorts.  What follows is a non-comprehensive list of some examples.
Names changed
Abram (exalted father) had his name changed to Abraham (father of many) when he made a covenant with G-d (Gen. 17:5).
Jacob's name was changed to Israel after he wrestled with G-d (Gen 32:28).
Naomi (pleasant) changed her name to Mara (bitter) after her husband and sons died (Ruth 1:20... this didn't really catch on though)
Saul's name was changed to Paul sometime after his experience on the Damascus road (Acts 13:13 is the first time I see him being called Paul...I know it's a NT reference, but it fits where I want to go with this post)
Living into names
Malachi's name meant "my messenger" and provides some irony of sorts in Malachi 3:1, which our English translations render "I will send my messenger").
Ruth means "faithful friend" and fits Ruth perfectly, especially when she professes her faithfulness in Ruth 1:16-17.

Names mean something, especially names that are changed.  A name is a reflection of some essence of a person. In sign language, when someone is given a sign name, it often reflects something about them (not always, mine is very simple, given to me by an interpreter in the special education room after she had known me for about 30 seconds).  I have a friend named Bruce.  His sign name reflects the fact that he is wheelchair bound.  One of my sisters is really into horses.  Her sign name is a combination of her initial letter and the sign for horse.  I have a friend who has the gift of healing.  His name is a combination of his initial letter and the sign "to heal".   All their names reflect some essence of them, just like Abraham means "father of  many" and Malachi means "my messenger".
With both Abraham and Malachi, the name itself came before the meaning came into fulfillment.  Abraham was Abraham long before he was the father of any, let alone many.  I think the same is true of my name.  There was no angelic messenger or voice from heaven that changed my name.  It was a process. Initially, it was changed to "Joy" (or something very similar) in Africa because the children couldn't say "Joellen".  When I cam back from Africa it morphed into "Joyellen" and then it went back and forth between the three for some time, until I left for college.  That is when I became "Joy" for good, at least most the time.
Coincidently (or maybe not so coincidently) my journey to being able to live in true joy followed a similar path.  It wasn't something that happened all at once, but slowly, over time, step by step I learned to live in true joy.  And now, I can (at least most the time) agree when people say my name fits me.  I might not always be happy.  Sometimes I'm sad, frustrated, hurting, angry and a million other things, but nothing will ever take my joy away.  Besides, with a name like Joy...well, let's just say that if there is a pun to be made on my name or a song to be sung about joy, I've probably heard it and smile every time I hear it again.  And while we're on the subject of names, my journey to Joy/joy happened, in part, in Pella, which means "city of refuge".  Fitting, yes?

And some song lyrics to close this post out (sorry...it got really long.  I have lots of thoughts on names).  This song was sung in church about a month ago.  I scribbled the lyrics down into my journal while it was being sung, so have some grace if the words aren't quite right.
"I will change your name.
You shall no longer be called
wounded, outcast, lonely or afraid.
I will change your name.
Your new name shall be
confidence, joyfulness, overcoming one,
faithfulness, friend of G-d, one who seeks my face"
In the Old Testament reference above, it wasn't usually the people who changed their names.  G-d changed their names and their lives.  G-d did the same with me.  He gave me a new name and a new joy. All glory, honor, and praise be to Him!

Waiting Room

I'm still not typing much due to my wrist (orthopaedic surgeon visit on Tuesday), but worry not, I am still thinking and as long as I can remember those thoughts, once my arm is better, there will be lots to be posted.
For tonight, lyrics from a song a dear friend sent me.  The artist is Johnny Diaz and the title is "Waiting Room".

Here in this waiting room yearning for You to say go
And though I’m convinced that a yes would be best
This time You’re telling me no

It’s not that I don’t have an answer
It’s just not the one that I’d like
But through this time Lord I must keep in mind
You’re always wiser than I

You have a much better purpose
And You have a far greater plan
And You have a bigger perspective
Cause You hold this world in your hands

The things that I seek are from You
Like the strong healing touch of your hand
But when You say no help me trust even though
There’s a reason I can’t understand

When that miracle comes cause Your answer is yes
I will praise you for all of my days
But when Your wisdom declares that a no is best
I will praise You just the same


And a video for those of you who would rather hear it while you read it (The lyrics are in the video and as best I can tell, are accurate):  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8Gxv9CRRVM

I could expound more, but my wrist is sore (even though I copy/pasted most of this post) so I'm going to stop now.

Lessons from a sunset, or lack thereof...

One of my favorite things (I have a lot of favorite things) is to watch the sunset.  I love the bright colors, the uniqueness of each sunset.  I especially enjoy watching sunsets over water, since I have almost always loved water.  Fortunately for me, Lake Macatawa is only about 8 blocks west of me and there is a nice bench there for watching the sunset.  Watching the sunset at Lake Macatawa also means I get to go for a walk, which is another one of my favorite things. 
Here's one of the pictures I took at Lake Macatawa shortly after arriving here in Holland:

August 31, 2010

Saturday night I was sitting at my desk doing homework (and facebooking a friend) when I glanced out my window, which faces north-west-ish (more north, so maybe north-northwest, if you want to be all technical...I left my compass at home, so I'm guessing based on the sun), and saw the colors playing on the clouds.  My heart got excited and postponed what I was doing and grabbed my camera, water bottle, iPod and gloves (it was chilly out) and headed for the lake.  I snapped a picture of the clouds as I left my apartment:

  

My past experiences with sunsets had taught me that some cloud cover enhances the beauty of the sunset so I was super excited. When I made it to the lake however, I was initially disappointed.  Either I was too late or the cloud cover was just too much.  There was no spectacular sunset. This is what I saw when I got there:

October 2, 2010

Since I was already at the lake, I decided to sit and listen to my music and watch the clouds for a time. I really didn't want to be doing my homework anyways.  And maybe, just maybe, the clouds would break and I'd get my spectacular sunset.  The clouds never did break.  Off to the side though there was some color.  See?

Mostly though I just watched the clouds and listened to my music. At one point I was talking to G-d and complaining a bit about the lack of a spectacular sunset after I'd walked all the way to the lake to see it. I talked to Him about some other things too...asked some tough questions  And then I just sat and listened and played with my camera.  As I listened I heard (in my heart...it's hard to explain how one hear's G-d, but you know when you hear Him) Him speak to me.  I'll try and reproduce our conversation (at least the parts I'm willing to share) in English the best I can. (G is G-d, M is me :) )

G: Is the sun setting?

M: of course the sun is setting...the sun sets every night

G: but you can't see the sun setting.  All you see is the clouds and darkness.

M: but G-d, some things never change. The sun sets every night whether I can see it or not, whether I'm paying attention to it or not.

G: Exactly.  

I sat there with that for awhile.  Some things never change. Whether I can see them or not, whether I'm paying attention or not, some things never change.  G-d never changes.  The eternal truth that He is always in control, never changes.  The truth that light comes after the darkness never changes.

As I sat with it, the words to a song a friend had sent me earlier, came to my find.  I won't post the full lyrics here, but if you want them just click here.  The first two stanzas are: 

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see

and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

If you'd like a youtube video of the song, with lyrics, check this out.

Somethings never change.  And sometimes, G-d uses a clouded over sunset and the words of a song to remind me of what I really need to know. Sometimes, the biggest blessings are those that come in disguise.


PS:  This isn't the first time G-d has used a sunset misadventure to teach me a lesson.  Check out this post for another sunset lesson

Love is...

Love.  We all want it.  We all have different ideas about what it is and what it looks like, but most everyone agrees that it is a good thing. Love has been a topic that has come up a number of times the last few day...in conversations with friends and family, in reading, in the sermon at church... When something comes up like that again and again I start to think about it, and when I start to think about it, I start to write about it, and then you get to read about it. 

As humans, we kind of fail at love.  I fail at love. We say that we love someone, and then we don't show it.  We tell ourselves that we love someone, but we never tell them.   I have had a number of relationships in the past with people who have said that they loved me, but that love was always contingent upon what I could do for them.  Once I was no longer useful to them, they dropped me like a hot potato and I was left to try and put the pieces of my heart back together.

I learned that love was something I had to earn and I could "un-earn" it much easier than I earned it. I craved love and spent lots of time trying to earn it.  My head knew that there were people who loved me, but either my heart didn't believe it or I couldn't accept it because of my past experiences with people who said they loved me.

This causes/caused problems when it comes to understanding G-d's love.  G-d's love is something that you can't earn and you can't "un-earn" it either. Joe B, the chaplain at Central, often told us "There is nothing you can do to make G-d love you more and nothing you can do to make G-d love you less".  It's easy to say, but harder to believe, especially when you try to understand G-d's love by superimposing our concept of human love on it. It just doesn't work that way.  G-d's love is so much greater, so much beyond our understanding.  He loves us so much that he sent his only son, Jesus, to take our place on the cross, while we were yet sinners...His love is so amazing that we can't even begin to love without Him first loving us. We might try, but we'll never really get it. We can't.  We have to be filled up with love before we can give it away.

One of my favorite songs has a line "Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy". I think the real name of the song is "How He loves", but my friends and I call it the Hurricane song, because of this line.   I've never experienced a hurricane in real life (we don't get many in these parts), but I've seen pictures.  I've seen the pictures of trees bent over to the point where their tops are touching the ground. Trees are usually pretty solid entities. I couldn't bend a tree, no matter how hard I tried.  But the hurricane is stronger.  It bends the tree as if it were nothing.  The tree is subject to the will of the hurricane, whether it wants to be or not.  Likewise, whether we want to be loved by G-d or not, he is going to love us. His love is so much more powerful than anything else we can even imagine.

As I sat with this image, of a hurricane bending a tree, earlier this week, I became bothered by something.  Sometimes, the hurricane breaks the trees.  It took me awhile to wrap my head around this.  It could be that the hurricane breaks the trees because they refuse to bend, they refuse to acknowledge the power of the hurricane.  Maybe, G-d lets us be broken because we refuse to acknowledge the power of his love.   I love my brothers and sisters.  I love my friends.  My love is powerful (but nothing like G-d's love...that is like super super super powerful), and because I love them, I have to let them make their own choices.  Sometimes that means they get hurt.  Sometimes it means they get angry with me.  I think G-d does the same thing.  Because he loves us so much, he lets us make our own choices.  Sometimes that means we get hurt.  Sometimes it means we get angry with Him.  But, because of his great and powerful love, he is always there, waiting for us to come back to him, waiting for us to let him pick up the pieces and put us back together.  Sometimes we bend, sometimes we break, but G-d never changes and his love will always be there, no matter what.

I could talk about G-d's love for a long time because there is a lot more I could say about it, but that would make this post even longer than it already is, so I'll stop now and leave you with this image:

"Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree"